Slob.

Rico and I were playing cards the other night. He told me I'm a slob. That comment really hurt. I don't know why he said it :(

I know I don't take care of myself as well as I did when we met. However, most of the things I did in order to look attractive he would complain about. He said I took too long to get ready and that I was fine just the way I was. So, I stopped being so high mentenance. If he's talking about the way I eat, well ya. That's all my fault. I should never binge but it happens. And, unfortunately, he has seen me binge many times.

I need to change. He won't tell me why he thinks I'm a slob so I guess I'm just going to have to change everything.

slob:
1. A slovenly, unattractive, and lazy person
2. A coarse obnoxious person
3. A vulgar person         
pig, litterbug, slovenly woman, slut, trollop...

It hurts that he thinks so low of me. He's been quite mean these past few nights. He's become very cocky. Talking rude toward me and his parents. Bragging about how much money he makes and trying to make me feel like a bad girlfriend. Which I am but it still hurts to hear.

Rico, don't forget who's supported you for the past two years. Remember everything I've done. Never forget the person who has been right by your side, through thick and thin. :(

Oops.

I kept procrastinating. "Ah whatever, I'll write a post tomorrow." Next thing I know it's been two days. Haha.

I to do ABC but I don't think now is the right time. It's sad to say but I have to go grocery shopping. I'm not very good at sticking with diets but I'd like to complete this one. It's such a long diet though!

I'm 113 lbs. I had a Red Bull on January 27 (212). Yesterday I had a little more; Red Bull (424) and approximately 200 calories worth of beef jerky. I really should have skipped the second Red Bull yesterday. My plans for today are just a can of Red Bull (212). What? I told you, I'm addicted to the stuff haha. I wish I could buy sugar free Red Bulls around here!!

After today, I have four days off!! I get to spend time with Rico tonight and tomorrow :). I miss him so much! He gave me a pep talk about work yesterday lol. I should tell you guys all the bullshit I got warnings for. They're ridiculous! I've moved on though. I could really care less. I'm done.

When I went to bed last night I was in this weird mood. I've decided to make myself happy. I'm going to do things that I love and look at everything in a positive way. Life's too short to be stressed. Besides, stress and depression make me binge and, in turn, I gain way too much weight!

Anywhooo, I better get back to work!

12:30 PM - There I go again, eating when I'm not even hungry! I had 1 cup of chicken noodle soup (70). 282 calories today, hopefully no more. I don't know what's wrong with me!! I wasn't even craving it. Hey, talking about cravings, I could really use some honey right about now! Mmm. Been craving it for three days now.

I give up.

It's like people just KNOW when I'm fasting. Seriously?

I had a great day. Well, somewhat boring and my back hurt really bad all day. I was able to eat nothing, consumed water only. Then my shift came to an end.

Rico's parents decided we should go out for supper, to a damn restaurant. Honest to God, this is the only time in the four years I have known them where they wanted to go out for supper as a "family".  Are you fucking kidding me?! I tried desperately to get out of it. I pulled out every excuse in the book.

I have to be in bed by 8:00...
I hate restaurants...
No they serve gross food there...
Well, shouldn't Rico be with us ...?
I'm not hungry, I had pizza for lunch...

The list goes on and on. Rico's dad told me to stop being so shy... if he only knew. Needless to say, they took me to George's. I had a few bites of a salad and just like that, the fast ended. Why they chose today, of all days, I have no clue. I am mad. So very angry!

Funny story though! While we were at the restaurant there were two obese women sitting behind me. When they got up to leave Rico's dad blurted out, "Holy fuck! I hope they're not taking the same vehicle!" As they walked by he bounced in his seat. hahahaha .... that made my night :'D

Rico's mom was talking about how this one guy at her work is horrible at spelling.

 "He writes everything as it sounds. Like wheel, he spells it W-E-E-L. There are some alphabets missing in there!" 

Me, "Alphabets?" 

Rico's mom, "Yea! He missed the H!" She laughed so hard her eyes were watering. 

Me, "Um, I think you meant letters. He missed some letters, not alphabets, you 'tard." 

Aww I love her and silly old people who think something is hilarious when it isn't lol. So I guess today was a good and bad day. Glad I got to spend some time with his parents but super pissed that they chose to go out for supper. I don't understand why people insist on ruining my fast. I give the fuck up! I'll try doing a 30 day water fast again some time but obviously now just isn't the time. This is the third time I've failed in a row. How sad!  >:(

Day 1

22 hours into my water fast... I should really drink more water. I've only had about one cup today. I went to bed at 2:30 AM and woke up at 3:30 PM. I wish I could sleep through the first three days. They're always the hardest for me.

When Rico left for work today I was very sad. I head back to work tomorrow so we aren't going to see each other for four days! I'm going to miss him dearly. I'm not a fan of change and this is a big change. I am not used to being alone. It's nice from time-to-time but, for the past four years, he's been by my side everyday. I do believe that this is a positive change though! I'm just going to have to suck it up. Besides, it makes fasting a million times easier :)

Rico's parents cooked supper tonight. I was thinking of just passing but I decided to grab myself a plate. When I got to my bedroom I instantly threw it in the garbage, waited a few minutes, then brought it back into the kitchen. "Thanks, that was so good!" I said with a smile then headed back to my bedroom. That was easy...

It was gorgeous out today! The sun was shining and the snow was melting. It got me thinking about summer. As of now, I am not "bikini ready". I desperately want to look killer this summer so I've decided that I'm going to create a "get your ass in gear for summer" challenge for myself. It's going to involve a lot of restricting and exercise. I have 29 days to come up with the details but I will be sure to share them with you all. :)

Happy today in my own little world but am not excited to go back to work. Hopefully these next four days will soar by.

Let the challenge begin!

I am starting my 30 day water fast today. I'm not too confident in myself but hopefully I will be able to complete it! I will be sure to update on a daily bases.

These past few days have been difficult for me. I'm not too sure why I kept binging like a complete fool. Half of the time, I wasn't even hungry. The thought of what it would taste like made me cave, I suppose. Hopefully this fast will be just what I need! One of my goals is to reach 110 lbs by February 1st. So, that gives me seven days to drop four pounds. I think I can do it!

Start: January 25 -- 114 lbs

End: February 23

Rules:

• Water only - duh!
• Weigh-in only once a week.

Measurements:

• Neck: 12.7 in 
• Arms: 11 in
• Wrist: 5.6 in
• Chest: 33.5 in
• Waist: 26 in
• Hips: 31 in
• Butt: 34.5 in
• Thighs: 19 in
• Calves: 12.2 in

 Wish me luck..

Skin and Bones

So low.

Two mini pizzas. Four pirogies. Half a bag of dill pickle chips. One bun smothered in spinach dip. Two hand fulls of cheesies. A small piece of apple pie. Half of a chocolate chip muffin. An hour filled with anger, guilt and disgust.

I went to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and tried to purge. I just couldn't do it. I broke down and started crying. Banged my head off the toilet seat and just sat there asking myself why.

Why did I eat ..? 
Why am I so weak ..? 
Why couldn't I just stop ..?  
Why cant I control myself ..?

Failure. Pathetic. Disgusting. Pig. 

I started thinking about Rico. He's strong. I think he has an eating disorder. He's way thinner than I am. He barely ever eats and sometimes I can hear him gagging in the bathroom. But I'm not sure. I never see him binge. When I binge, I inhale everything until I'm left in agony. Too weak to dispose of it.

I hate myself so much right now. I want to rip out of my skin. I gained weight and it will probably keep going up because of my actions. There is hope though! Rico just left for work...

Binge.

A McChicken burger. Half of a large McDonalds french fries. Half a bag of cheesies. Twelve chocolate chip cookies. Two pieces of pie. Two pizza pops. Three handfuls of dill pickle chips. A piece of this random chocolate desert Rico's mom made. No exercise.

That binge occured lastnight. A fun-filled pig fest that has left me feeling like shit. I'm still so bloated. All I wanted to do was run to the bathroom and get rid of it all. I sat in agony trying to come up with a plan to dispose of it but I had no success.

The bathroom is located right beside Rico's parents room. They had just gone to bed and would've been able to hear me. I wish we lived in our own place. Surely then I would've been able to.

It's 11:41 AM and I've spent the entire morning feeling guilty. I must burn off all that asap. I'm too scared to weigh myself. I have no idea how many calories I had. Oh dear. Look what I've done! I bet I gained five pounds. I can feel it.  :(

Busy day filled with joy!

I took Rico out and bought him a bunch of welding equipment for his apprenticeship. He starts work tomorrow and we are all very excited! I am just hoping that it all works out. He has the worst luck. Hopefully that will change though!! He's been so depressed. We both lost all hopes of him finding a place to apprentice him. This is just too good for words.

I've already started to see a huge difference in him. It's like now that he has a job, he has a point to live. He told me all this wonderful stuff that he wants out of this. How he's going to pay off his debt and we will find a house in town. We want a big backyard for our dog and we'll need a car too. He told me that in four years we can start a family of our own. I think he really loves me. I've always felt bad for him because his ex took everything. What a bitch.

I'm hurt that he doesn't trust me though. I don't deserve his trust. We had a date night. We played poker and cards then watched a movie. It was so nice. He made me feel so loved. When we were playing cards he said I was a cheater, lol, because I kept winning. Somehow that comment led onto a topic about the past. How when we started dating I went and seen my ex. How I've cheated on other people in the past.

I was a horrible person back then but I've really changed. If I could go back in time I would. I would've never went to my ex's house. I would've never broke Rico's trust.

Paranoid.

I feel really bad. I don't know what's wrong. I'm sitting at work and I'm not too sure if I'm sad, afraid, embarrassed or disappointed in myself.

The computer tech came in to fix our computer. I was sitting on hold when he came in. He looked at me and asked if I was ordering pizza then let out a chuckle. I just smiled and said no.

It took him a while to set up the computer. In the meantime, I was sitting quietly thinking about all the sites I've gone to. Lots of thinspo, videos and support sites. I know I'm not supposed to view these sites with the work computer but I do anyway because I am selfish.

I think he knows. PrettyThin and other sites I go to have been blocked. I'm pretty sure he's the one who blocked them. The first time he ever said something still haunts me.

"Girl, you need to eat."

I don't know this man but for some reason I'm very bothered. He's somehow managed to make me feel really bad. He's never said anything mean and is actually quite a nice person. Maybe the fact that he knows just scares me. I don't need him to tell anyone. I'm fine just the way I am. I would be grateful if he didn't say a word. This is my life and it doesn't effect him or anyone else at my work.

A part of me just wants to come clean. Spill my guts and explain everything in the hopes that they'd begin to understand me a little more. But I won't, I can't. They'll never understand. I wonder what he thinks of me. It's probably nothing but bad. I don't even think I resemble someone who has an eating disorder. I'm so fat especially in my arms and stomach. He probably thinks I'm a liar. Well, I guess I am a liar. He probably thinks I'm a bitch, if he's ever read anything I've said. Then again, I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe he has no idea. I find that hard to believe though. I shouldn't have gone on my sites with the work computer. I'm so stupid! I really don't care if he knows though. I just care if he spreads the word. He probably told my supervisor. She makes comments about my weight all the time. But like I said, I'm fat. No one would believe him, right? Even if they did, what does it matter?

My life.

My choice.

sugar-free Red Bull (28 cal)

He got the job!!

Rico got a welding apprenticeship! He's been looking for a company to apprentice him for seven years now! I am so, soo happy!! :)

He will be working a lot so that means I will be able to fast for longer periods with higher chances of succeeding. We will triple our income and will finally be able to move! This is just so great. I really hope it's not too good to be true. He starts work on Monday so I'm going to start a water fast then. I am going to aim for 30 days :) YayYayYay

So my work had these nursing students who went around and took everyones blood pressure. Mine is 106/60.. good to know? I joked around and asked my supervisor if her blood pressure was through the roof, you know, because of stress. When I told her mine she said I need to eat more and laughed. Yea, you have to love comments like that. Anyway, when the nursing student went to take off the pressure thing they wrap around your arm, my arm fucking jiggled!!! It jiggled like jell-o. It was fucking sick and embarrassing. I am not hungry at all after having that happen. I am a gross pig.

I decided to go to this website to do this test the nursing students said I should do. Here are what the results say:

"Your waist measurements suggest you don't carry excess weight around your waist."

Lie.

"Based on your responses, your BMI is 18.1. You fall into the BMI range of underweight. You may want to consult a healthcare provider."

I'm in the "underweight" range? Sure doesn't feel like it.

... I really don't have much else to say so here's some thinspo!

I'm a huge Megan Fox fan.

Everything about her screams perfection.

Hair. Eyes. Eyebrows. Lips. Teeth. Body - fuck yes, her body is amazing. Have you seen those legs? And her flat tummy to.die.for. If it were possible to swap bodies with someone I would swap with her. In a heartbeat.

When I got to work this morning, my coworker and I got into a heated discussion about the fabulous Megan Fox. I went on saying that she is so beautiful and I loved her in Jennifer's Body. I'm sad that she wont be in the new transformers movie! Man, have you seen the previews for that? I am so disappointed. They're doing a prequel.

Anyway, apparently my coworker thinks she is the worst celebrity on the face of this planet. He was saying so much rude shit. And that's okay, he's entitled to his own opinions. However, the following statement just pissed me off...

"She's a dumb, stunned, cunt. I was watching this show. They had an interview with her and asked her how she slimmed up for her role and you know what she said?! That she doesn't know what it's called but she just stopped eating. Ugh... are you retarded?! That's fucked. Um hello Megan! It's called anorexia! I don't know why anyone would do that. She must have something wrong with her head. She's so fucking dumb." 

Normally I wouldn't care what he said but that just pissed me off. I defended her - thats a first. Defending a celebrity? Maybe I really am insane, lmao. I said that she was probably fasting. Fasting is okay, people do it all the time. And not to mention the fact that celebrities have so much pressure to be a certain way. Their either too fat or too thin. There is never an in-between.

I don't think Megan Fox is anorexic or has any form of eating disorder but seeing as I do, I took extreme offence to his statement. If he's calling her dumb then he's calling me, and all of you, dumb as well. I know I am not dumb. I know what I am doing to my body. I dedicate every waking moment to my disease so yes, I am wiser on this topic. Thank you very much, asshole :)

CW: 112 lbs

Yet again.. I ate.

I think now just isn't the right time to try doing a super long fast. Every time I try, something happens. Yesterday, when I got home, Rico's dad had supper all ready. Rico's brother and sister in-law were there - oh joy, a family feast. I was able to get away with only eating roughly half a fried potato covered in seasoning salt and 3 bites of a beef cutlet. My excuse for not finishing is that the meat was too greasy. Which it was. It was so gross. It didn't even taste good. The potatoes were nice .... I wonder how many calories I had.

Today, Rico has a job interview! I really hope he gets the job!! If he starts working it will be way easier for me to attempt a long fast. But for now I'll just do my regular diet, I suppose. If he gets this job I will no longer have to be afraid of losing my job. I can freely search until I find the perfect place to work. And, not to mention, we'll finally be able to move the hell out of his parents!

After Rico and his father got into that fight, things around the house were tense. It wasn't until yesterday when Rico's dad stopped ignoring us. His mom stopped making rude comments and everything. So that's good. My sister keeps complaining about the foster home she's in and how she misses her family. I really don't know what to say to her anymore. I've tried everything. I just wish she didn't live eleven hours away so I could go visit.

• 473 ml Red Bull (212 cal)
• 39 Jalapeno & Cheddar chips - BadBadBad (250 cal)
• 473 ml Red Bull - Yes.. another one (212 cal)
• 1 hour biking (- 373 cal)

Food calories consumed: 675

Exercise calories burned: 685

I really don't want to be here.

I have this overwhelming feeling of discomfort. I have never felt like this during work before and I've been working for 9 years. I've had jobs that I've hated but nothing compares to this.

I actually like my job, believe it or not. It's the people that really get to me. Everyone stabs each other in the back. I cant say a word without being afraid. I dread coming to work because I know that I'm being watched. I don't know. I'm just sad and disappointed. I dedicated months to doing the best job I could. I bent over backwards for these people. I did things I wasn't asked to just to help make everyones life easier. I've filled in so many shifts I can't even count them all yet when Rico's aunt died they didn't even want to let me go to the funeral.

Every little thing I've done has been for nothing. I bust my ass and what do I get in return? Complaints about misspelling - come on! As if I'm the worst speller. I catch other peoples, including my supervisor, mistakes all the time. Every day there is something I need to correct. How can I be worse of an employee than the rest? The only time I've missed work is when I needed to; funerals, so sick I couldn't move, very poor road conditions. I just don't understand.

I've gotten to the point where I'm done trying. I'm like "fuck this". I'm done doing that bitch's paper work for her! I'm going to start doing the bare minimum. What are they going to do? FIRE me? I can find a job way better than this. Something where I'm not just sitting here. Somewhere where they will see all the potential I have. Where they actually treat their employees with the respect they deserve.

I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I really saw a future for myself here but now I don't. At all. Not with these people. Not while constantly being watched under a microscope. Any little mistake they write me up for even if it wasnt my fault.

Anyway... just a little rant. I just hate environments like this. I feel like I need to watch my back every second that goes by. I wonder if there's even such a thing as being rewarded for your hard work. Cause nowadays it seems like the ones who can lie, connive and kiss ass better are the ones who succeed.

Sorry, I like to actually earn my money.

Sorry, I speak up when I don't agree.

Sorry, I wont fuck the boss.

CW: 112 lbs

"Hey Koala, how's your 30 day fast going?"

FAIL.

I ate. Last night around 9:00 PM! I was almost done day two and I fucking ate. Go figure. Only two days into it. Wtf is wrong with me??

Alright! I'm starting over. This time my texting buddie decided she'll join. We're still going to try going 30 days. I think I'd lose so much weight if I could make it. I hope and wish and pray and dream that I can do it. That both me and her can. It would make me so happy and I think she'd be happy too. The amount of weight we could lose, we'd probably reach our goal weights!!!

I think I ate because I was super dizzy every time I would move. It just made me feel sick. I guess food helped because the dizziness went away after but I'm so scared that I will gain weight. I weighed myself this morning but it said I lost a pound. I would be unbelievably grateful if I didn't gain anything! You have no idea.

I didn't binge or anything crazy like that. I had a few cookies and chips. I keep forgetting to take my vitamins so maybe if I just stop forgetting that wont happen again. It happened on day 1 as well. I was so dizzy I decided to go to sleep because I didn't want to end up binging. Taking a bath the next morning sucked. I was so nauseous and dizzy I thought I was going to pass out. This happens to me when I fast for long periods but I don't know why it happened so early this time. Maybe it was the diet Pepsi. I had over 2 liters of it! LOL. I swear I'm addicted to the stuff. But not as bad as Red Bull.

So here we go again.

Day 1:
11:00 AM  -  I work today which means there's no food around for me to pig out on. I didn't even bring money so I know today will go well. When I get off work my plans are to go straight to bed - avoid everyone. My boyfriends mom usually cooks supper when we get home so I can easily avoid it. I would prefer to play Sims 3 lol. I have the pimpest house and I downloaded a Megan Fox character. Heck yes! I also would like to workout BUT I'm probably going to have to get to bed asap to avoid supper which really sucks.

• Red Bull (212 cal)
• 1 cup of Diet Pepsi 

The thoughts are coming back.

I was sitting here for the longest time trying to remember.

What did I consume ..?
When did it happen ..?
Where did it happen ..?

I was working nights and had ordered a huge pizza. I'm posative it was from Pizza 73. Most likely my favorite kind loaded with meat, salsa and onions. Extra cheese, easy on the sauce, thin crust - yummm! A side of teriyaki chicken wings and some curly fries. A can of root beer, maybe more.

I stuffed my face, ate everything but the carrots. I don't know why they even put those in there. Probably for those fat asses wanting to eat healthier but aren't willing to sacrifice their greasy food. Thinking the carrots will somehow make them thinner.

Anyway, I stuffed my face with this fattening food. I was watching a movie at the time. My face and hands were filthy so I went to clean them. Leaned over the toilet and spent an hour in the bathroom. Bloodshot eyes, sore throat, aweful smell.

That was sometime last winter.

I don't recall what made me start thinking about this. Maybe the fact that I envy those with bulimia. They can eat whatever they want. I didn't plan for that to be the last time. Who knows, maybe it's not. Maybe it ended because of the fear. I knew how bad it was for my teeth (yes, my teeth were already bad. I was scared to make them worse.) The smell, the taste, the constant need to be near a bathroom. In public was the worst. Or maybe I was just tired of the failure.

I was horrible at purging. I know I never got all of it up because I ended up gaining weight. A lot of weight. Maybe that's why it ended. The fact that I was out of control. So out of control I'd stuff my face numerous times a day and purge over and over again.

It's been roughly 1 year, maybe less, since my last B&P. I am so proud of myself! But.. the thoughts are starting to come back. If I eat that, I can get rid of it. I don't need to starve then go weeks binging, gaining and unbelievably depressed. No. These thoughts need to get out of my head. Binging and purging causes weight gain, yup. That's what it was.

Blame it on the B&P and maybe you'll feel better about yourself. Maybe you'll stop being so angry with yourself.

CW: 113 lbs

I had the weirdest dream lastnight.

I was standing in front of this young woman, maybe in her 20's. She had dark brown, shoulder length hair. She was very thin. Her hip bones and tail bone were sticking out. She had this look of desperation. Then a shadow came over her face and the desperation turned into anger.

She crossed her arms around and grabbed her shoulder blades. Her nails dug in deep enough to tear the skin then she pulled at them making the flesh around rip. She dug her nails in deeper and ran them down her arms. She began to study her right arm then looked up at me. Her eyes here empty but the expression on her face left me frightened. It looked as though she was possessed by something very, very evil.

Without warning, she brought her arm up to her mouth and started gnawing at it. Her eyes fixed on me. Her bites got bigger and deeper. Blood ran down her chin, neck and chest. Chunks of flesh dropped in the pool of blood that surrounded her. She savagely tore at her forearm until the bone became completely visible. Taking her eyes off of me for the first time in, what felt like, forever, she pulled out a knife and began to carve the bone.

It read, "Ana <3"

This dream scared the pooo right out of me. I woke up sweating and just laid there, stiff as a board. This woman looked like a demon. Her hair was straw-like and drenched in sweat. Her skin was pale and grey looking. But the look in her eyes as she tore her arm apart was just insane.

Does this make me a dork?

I went to the form on PT ..the one people add their blogs to. I spent all night going through and started following the blogs I find interesting! I'm so excited to read everyones posts!! I never knew there were so many blogs related to eating disorders. I think it's the greatest thing - haha

And there PT goes again...

Making me feel less lonely and a little happier :)

I'm in a better mood now. I've got this mindset that things will be alright. I just got to keep doing my thaaang. Stop letting the little things get in my way. They really do get in the way. Every time I have my depression moments, which can last months at a time, I end up binging non stop. This is just what I need to get a little control back into my life :)

Day 1:
Seven hours into my fast and I'm feeling good. The more time that passes by, the more in control I feel. I feel powerful. Nothing will stop me!

• 473 ml Red Bull (212 cal)
• 2 pickle jars of diet Pepsi
  ....Yea, I drink out of pickle jars. The large ones lol. 

I'm feeling weak and my stomach is growling. If I can just make it past the first three days I'll be good!! The first three are always the hardest. I have a headache but that's probably just from the way I've been sitting for the past six hours. Holy shit, I've been glued to my phone for way too long!

I plan on riding my stationary bike for an hour. Then I'm going to clean my bedroom because it desperatly needs it. I also need to do laundry and take a shower! I think my flesh is starting to rot - eww - more than two days without a shower is just sick!! That's another reason why I hate my depression. I just don't take care of myself.

...There is a bag of chocolate chip cookies sitting nearby and I don't like the way they're looking at me.

Depressed?

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

...nothing surprises me here lol. But rest assured! I will get this depression under control. It'll just take some time and a lot of effort :)

Rules.Rules.Rules.

It's 12:00 AM and I already changed the rules to my fast lol, here's where my OCD kicks in. See, I was only awake for a few hours and in order for me to actually start a fast I need to start it at midnight. The 3 or so hours I was awake prior to the fast I consumed nothing. No food. Nothing to drink.

Here's the rules I've set in place:

• Absolutely no food.
• Can drink anything that is calorie free.
• 473 ml can of Red Bull is allowed, every other day.

Start: January 16, 2011.
End: February 16, 2011.

Starting Weight:

116 lbs

Starting Measurements:

Neck: 12.7 in
Arms: 11 in
Wrist: 5.6 in
Chest: 33.5 in
Waist: 26 in
Hips: 31 in
Butt: 34.5 in
Thighs: 19 in
Calves: 12.2 in

So here we go!! Wish me luck :)

Look at the bright side.

I don't want to be known as the depressing girl. The one noone wants to be around. I don't want my attitude to ruin my relationship with Rico.

I have decided to try appearing more happy. I am going to start thinking more positive toward everything, no matter how bad the situation may be. I will keep in mind that sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together. And for fuck sake! I will hold my head high and move on when the world tries to bring me down!!

2011 will be a year of rebirth.

It will be the year I reinvent myself.

CW: 116 lbs

I slept all day.

I've been too depressed to keep my eyes open. The fact that I slept all day yesterday probably didn't help. Coming in to the new year, I had high hopes. I had a feeling that 2011 would be a great year. I wanted to start fresh. Reinvent myself. However, it doesn't look too good with the way things have been going. My depression has gotten so bad, I haven't showered in two days. I feel disgusting.

I need to clean, it's way too dirty in here. I should have never let the room get this dirty. Now I'm going to have to dedicate a full day just to clean. Rico mentioned something about my depression today. I tried to tell him that I should see a doctor but he disagrees. I'm thinking I might be bi polar. It's always like this. And the fact that I can't control my emotions makes it worse. When my supervisor made me signs those 3 written warnings I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. It's embarrassing. I was more angry then sad at that point but I just couldn't express myself.

I weighed myself and am not surprised to see the results. After my post yesterday, I pigged out on chocolate chip cookies. That brought my calorie intake up to at least 2 700 - 3 000. I'm just happy I didn't gain any weight..

It's 9:00 PM and, as of this very moment, I am starting a liquid fast. I'm allowing myself to have any liquid with 0 calories; soda, red bull, etc. I am not allowed to have any food whatsoever. I would love to make it to 30 days but for now, I'm going one day at a time.

On a more positive note: Rico installed sims 3! Heck yes!! I love this game! :)

I woke up in agony.

I had the worst stomach cramps I've ever felt. It was like someone was ripping my insides apart while they were on fire. I felt very nauseous, weak and I had cold sweats. I took a bath but that didn't seem to help. I took some Advil, that did nothing.

I spent half the day crying in pain, trying to fall asleep, and the other half sleeping. When I woke up the pains were gone so that's great!!

I ended up eating a crap load of pumpkin seeds, 4 pizza pops and a few pieces of bread covered in spinach dip. I'm not sure what the calorie content is for the bread and spinach dip but I know I ate well over 2 000 calories today.

I am such a pig :'(

Fanfuckingtastic!

I feel better today.
Today was a horrible day.

Right before Christmas I received 3 verbal warnings and 1 written. I've improved everything they had an issue with. My boss even gave me a gift and a hug. He said he was happy I'm with their company. He said I had improved and that he has hopes for me. "You are very smart, beautiful and have a lot of potential." These were his exact words. It brought a tear to my eye when he said he wanted to be my personal mentor. He said he'd help me climb up the ladder of success.

Today I received 3 written warnings and am now on a 3 month probation. After reviewing the documents, I came across many errors. I plan to mention these to my manager when I return to work. While I'm at it, I'm going to get copies of the previous documents for the warnings I received before Christmas. I will review them and then I am going to the labor board.

I am so sad, my heart hurts. It feels like the walls are caving in around me and I have nowhere to run. I had such high hopes for myself. I could make it far if they'd just give me a chance and stop watching me under a microscope. I wish they'd just give me a chance. Please! :(

To make matters worse, Rico and his dad got into a fist fight. Rico was defending his best friend who also happens to be one of my good friends. I love that Rico sticks up for his friends, he's such a good guy, but I was scared. It made my stomach turn. Luckily I didn't have to eat supper but now Rico's parents are talking about kicking us out. We'll be fucked if they do.

Today has really just been a shitty day.

My head is pounding and my body hurts.

I feel better today.

I'm still not too comfortable at work but what can I do? If I get fired, I get fired. There are things better and even though I'd love to work my way up in this company it wouldn't be the end of the world if this didn't work out how I want it to. As long as I try my best, there really isn't anything I can do.

I've been doing bad with my exercise. It's hard for me to workout on the days I work because I am way too tired by the time I get home. Maybe I'll leave it for my days off. Workout four days, rest the other four. Sounds good to me. I would love to exercise everyday though.

I'm dying not knowing how much I weigh. I want to wait seven days before I weigh myself. It would be nice to see bigger changes when I step on the scale. I haven't lost weight in quite some time. I was at 111 lbs in December. After that I was stuck at 115 lbs. Now, just the other day I gained a pound.

I hope I'm losing weight.

Not in the happiest mood.

I'm so sick of everyone's attitude!! >:(

I have such a bad feeling. I think I'm going to get fired. When my coworker came into work lastnight he told me that during his three month review our manager and supervisor sat him down to talk about his coworkers. They told him that they were asking everyone just to make sure everyone is doing their jobs. Apperantly my name came up first. My coworker said that he only said good things but you never know. I really appretiate it if he did say good things about me. I try so hard to be a good employee. I try not to miss work, be late and always try to do my job the best I can.

They need to realize that everyone makes mistakes. Yes, I make them. More often then I would like but I am trying to improve :(

CW: 116 lbs

I did well yesterday. Didn't touch a thing.

Later that night I took a bubble bath. I was comforted by the warm water surrounding my body. As I laid back, I wrapped my arms around myself and could feel my ribs. I grinned a little as I slid my finger tips along each and every one of them. I reached my shoulder blades and the grin grew wider. They stuck out so far I could grab them. They were pointy but not sharp... perfect little bones. Running my hands up a little further until I reached the back of my neck, four little bumps appeared. The grin grew into a smile and tears filled my eyes. I think that was the happiest moment I've had in a long time.

My mood came crashing down when I stepped on the scale. 116 lbs. OMG... How did I gain a pound?! The increase in my weight threw me on a downward spiral to the lowest of lows. I stuffed my face like the fat cow I am. My stomach was bursting, I could barely move.

There are parts of my body that need a lot of work and due to that pig-fest that occurred last night I need to work a zillion times harder. So here is my list of things that need improvement:

• Double Chin
• Upper Arm Fat
• Back Fat
• Stomach
• Butt
• Thighs

Bones I want to see more of:

• Collar Bones
• Chest Bones 
• Ribs
• Shoulder Blades
• Hip Bones
• Knees (I have fat knees.. )

The bolded areas that need improvement are the places that I'm going to be working on everyday. I'm hoping as I lose weight I will lose my double chin and back fat. And of course, the lower I weigh the more bones will appear! :)

CW: 115 lbs

You know those days when the moment you open your eyes the whole world goes to shit? One of those days where you should have just ignored the buzzer, called in sick, wrapped yourself up in a blanket and stayed in the safety of your own home. Yea well... that's what kind of day I'm having.

I woke up in agony. Spent most of the morning in the bathroom because the pain made me feel like I was going to puke. My hair didn't turn out and I came to find a whole new infestation of blackheads on my face. I'm forced to wear an over sized hoodie because I'm so bloated my pants barely fit. I couldn't find my lotion nor could I find my cell phone. I spent over an hour searching the house for my wallet. When I went to the store they were closed because she just so happened to forget her key. I went home and gave Rico the rest of my smokes because I could pick up some for myself in town. However, when I got to the store the lady asked for my ID which I had left at home in my other wallet. I had to search around for a store that would sell me smokes without an ID because apparently I look like a 16  year old. In my efforts to find smokes I ended up being 20 mins late for work. My boss decided today would be a great day to show up two hours early for work. Unfortunately, he witnessed my tardiness. I've been in and out of the bathroom because the pains wont go away. I feel like I'm either going to vomit or my intestines are going to fall out of my ass. I haven't decided which one is more annoying yet.

CW: 115 lbs

I ate. Fuck.

Today I woke up in a better mood but that ended when Rico and I went to the store. I always fuck up. I left the bank card at home, go me. That made him mad. Saying I'm stupid. He's right, I can be stupid sometimes. We had to drive the half hour home just to get money. The roads were very icy too so that made it worse. What a waste of gas.

But I will pick myself up and move forward. That's better than feeling pity for myself. Starting right now (4:05 PM) I'm fasting. I need to come up with a daily workout routine. Something that I cant just push aside. Something that will flatten my stomach, tighten the rest of my body and make the fat melt away. hmm..

It's 7:04 PM now and I just finished doing a 1.5 hour workout. All I did was ride a bike for an hour and lift weights for half an hour but I feel great!! I burnt off most of the calories, if not all, from that food I ate earlier.

Rico's mom gets on my nerves. She's always so bitchy. I've gotten to the point where I don't even listen to what she has to say... lol.

Pathetic

This definitely isn't where I pictured myself to be a few years ago. Things have been so fucked up since I got kicked out of my dad's when I was 14. I mean, I do finally have a stable home. A loving boyfriend and a secure job. Okay... well I guess I don't like where I live. My boyfriend and I are more friends than anything. We barely ever get intimate and our "quality time" together is us playing on separate computers while watching a movie. A secure job? Who am I kidding! I could get fired at any moment. I don't even like my job. The only reason I stay is because it's easy. I don't get paid too well and I get treated worse. My boyfriend's been unemployed for over two years. We live with his parents. I have no friends and am socially awkward. No clothing that fits. My hairstyle is ugly and so is my skin. I'm fat and lazy. I give in to temptations when I'm not even hungry. I don't spend time with my animals like I should. Heck, I barely even take care of them.

No matter how hard I try things never work out. It's like once my grandma died, years ago, my life has gone downhill. I used to be a good person. Believed in God and always did good. I was thin with nice clothing and my hair was always perfect. My home was clean and I always smelt good. I had so many friends and was always busy. Way too busy to sit on a computer or watch tv & movies. I was happy and energetic. But now look at me. I spend my days off in my pj's, hair a mess and no makeup. I wake up and just sit there all day long... maybe workout on the odd occasion. The days I work I wake up early, am miserable all day, come home and sleep. I have a very dull life.

Somehow we're unable to save money. No money equals no possibility of moving. And the fact that my boyfriend wont even look for a job just boils my blood. I hate how I try so hard at work and in return I get 3 verbal warnings and written up once. I'm not even a bad employee. The things I got warnings for weren't even my fault. Everyone does them. I don't see how they can justify punishing me and not everyone else. I've never done anything to deserve that so now I just sit in the shadows waiting for the day I get fired. It's bound to happen, they don't like me. My father is suing the company for his own reasons so they're taking it out on me. I had high hopes but they came crashing down a long time ago.

I hate how I try so hard to get closer to my boyfriend yet he only does things with me when he feels like it. We don't have sex, maybe once or twice a month, and that's all my fault. I'm too fat, too weak, too ugly, too gross. Too fucked in the head is what it is! I try so hard to prove to him that I would be a great wife. I clean and cook and sew and bake. I always support him.. I'm always on his side. But I guess I burn everything I cook and the deserts are too dry. I gave up on sewing and cleaning too. I'm a quitter - he even said so himself.

I hate how my hair cut looks. The choppiness and bangs bring out my dark circles and chubby cheeks. The length makes my head look big. I hate the color and how it feels. I hate my skin. There's always a pimple somewhere. There are dry patches, wrinkles and it's saggy. I hate my boobs. They are tiny but make me look fat. They aren't a nice shape either. I hate some of my bones. Like how my ribs are fucked and my hips are too. But most of all I fucking HATE all this fat. It's everywhere. My face, neck, arms, stomach, back, hips, butt, thighs, calves. Even my hands are fat.

Why? Why can't I be good enough!? Beautiful, delicate, smart, kind.  I bet people can see behind this fake smile. I bet I disgust them. All of them.

CW: 115 lbs

I took laxatives yesterday morning. There was only three left so I had them all. It took a long time for them to work, roughly 6 hours. I was starting to get worried thinking they were expired. I had pretty bad stomach pains as well. They lasted all night and ended some time thismorning.

What should I do today? I've been wanting to try a detox lately. I'm going to do some looking around on the web and see what I can find!

Stuck

I've been stuck at 115 lbs for so long now. It's starting to aggravate me!!

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever make it to 95 lbs. Once I make it to 95.. will those 2 numbers make me any happier? Probably not. I have 20 lbs to lose. I'm thinking of focusing more on my measurements. That's what matters most to me. Looking, feeling and just being tiny.

I want to be so tiny people are afraid to hug me too hard because they think I might break. So light, if a feather and I were dropped off the top of a building at the same time, the feather would hit the ground before me.

CW: 115 lbs

I want to be a size 0 or maybe a 00. I'm a size 3 now. Well, size 2/3. Size 3's are too big. Baggy in the butt and constantly fall down. A part of me wants to go to the store just to see what size I am. What if I fit into 1's? That would make me happy but I doubt I would be able to get my fat ass into them.

I've been fasting since New Years. I'm on a Red Bull fast. I don't even know if there's such a thing but I drink a 473 ml can of Red Bull per day. Prefurably the diet kind, if the store has them in stock. It becomes quite expensive after a while but I don't mind. The last time I did a Red Bull fast I lost 9 lbs! Hopefully I can finally get over this plateau.

Failure

Before the New Year, I was going to try becoming closer with my family. The brothers and mother I've never gotten to know. The father who I haven't gotten along with since I was 14. The sister I love with all my heart but can't see that because I don't show it. The aunt who disowned me. The God mother who has also disowned me.

I don't really have a family but it wasn't always this way. When I was young my family was very close. It wasn't until my grandmother passed away when everything went to shit. Before she died we were the "perfect" family. My dad worked and my step-mom took care of us. Life was simple and filled with love. I miss those days.

I will spare you the "pitty party" details and just leave it at; I've learned that it's easier to quit trying. I've been trying.. trying.. trying gotten nowhere. My sister and I are closer but she still says things that hurt. Like how I don't understand her or how I'm her 'step' sister. Worst of all, how she wants to end her life. She's opened up to me a lot in the past year. It hurts that I wasn't there for her. I feel like I have failed as a sister, a daughter, a niece. A failure as a human.

A liar.

 A quitter.

A failure.

A mistake.

A few things about me...

I'm Koala.
I'm 20.
I'm 5'6".
I'm fat and unhappy.

I love 1950's glamor and anything vintage.
I have a boyfriend. His name is Rico.
I connect with nature more than humans.
I don't believe in God. Call me a fallen angel.

I love the look and feel of bones.
I will do anything to get rid of the fat.
I want to be lighter than a feather...
So tiny I dissapear.

This is where I will vent.
Where I won't worry what people think.
Somewhere to let out what's bottled up inside.
A place to keep me sane.

HW: 138 lbs

LW: 100 lbs

CW: 115 lbs

GW: 95 lbs