January 17, 2011

The thoughts are coming back.

I was sitting here for the longest time trying to remember.

What did I consume ..?
When did it happen ..?
Where did it happen ..?

I was working nights and had ordered a huge pizza. I'm posative it was from Pizza 73. Most likely my favorite kind loaded with meat, salsa and onions. Extra cheese, easy on the sauce, thin crust - yummm! A side of teriyaki chicken wings and some curly fries. A can of root beer, maybe more.

I stuffed my face, ate everything but the carrots. I don't know why they even put those in there. Probably for those fat asses wanting to eat healthier but aren't willing to sacrifice their greasy food. Thinking the carrots will somehow make them thinner.

Anyway, I stuffed my face with this fattening food. I was watching a movie at the time. My face and hands were filthy so I went to clean them. Leaned over the toilet and spent an hour in the bathroom. Bloodshot eyes, sore throat, aweful smell.

That was sometime last winter.

I don't recall what made me start thinking about this. Maybe the fact that I envy those with bulimia. They can eat whatever they want. I didn't plan for that to be the last time. Who knows, maybe it's not. Maybe it ended because of the fear. I knew how bad it was for my teeth (yes, my teeth were already bad. I was scared to make them worse.) The smell, the taste, the constant need to be near a bathroom. In public was the worst. Or maybe I was just tired of the failure.

I was horrible at purging. I know I never got all of it up because I ended up gaining weight. A lot of weight. Maybe that's why it ended. The fact that I was out of control. So out of control I'd stuff my face numerous times a day and purge over and over again.

It's been roughly 1 year, maybe less, since my last B&P. I am so proud of myself! But.. the thoughts are starting to come back. If I eat that, I can get rid of it. I don't need to starve then go weeks binging, gaining and unbelievably depressed. No. These thoughts need to get out of my head. Binging and purging causes weight gain, yup. That's what it was.

Blame it on the B&P and maybe you'll feel better about yourself. Maybe you'll stop being so angry with yourself.