January 21, 2011


I feel really bad. I don't know what's wrong. I'm sitting at work and I'm not too sure if I'm sad, afraid, embarrassed or disappointed in myself.

The computer tech came in to fix our computer. I was sitting on hold when he came in. He looked at me and asked if I was ordering pizza then let out a chuckle. I just smiled and said no.

It took him a while to set up the computer. In the meantime, I was sitting quietly thinking about all the sites I've gone to. Lots of thinspo, videos and support sites. I know I'm not supposed to view these sites with the work computer but I do anyway because I am selfish.

I think he knows. PrettyThin and other sites I go to have been blocked. I'm pretty sure he's the one who blocked them. The first time he ever said something still haunts me.

"Girl, you need to eat."

I don't know this man but for some reason I'm very bothered. He's somehow managed to make me feel really bad. He's never said anything mean and is actually quite a nice person. Maybe the fact that he knows just scares me. I don't need him to tell anyone. I'm fine just the way I am. I would be grateful if he didn't say a word. This is my life and it doesn't effect him or anyone else at my work.

A part of me just wants to come clean. Spill my guts and explain everything in the hopes that they'd begin to understand me a little more. But I won't, I can't. They'll never understand. I wonder what he thinks of me. It's probably nothing but bad. I don't even think I resemble someone who has an eating disorder. I'm so fat especially in my arms and stomach. He probably thinks I'm a liar. Well, I guess I am a liar. He probably thinks I'm a bitch, if he's ever read anything I've said. Then again, I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe he has no idea. I find that hard to believe though. I shouldn't have gone on my sites with the work computer. I'm so stupid! I really don't care if he knows though. I just care if he spreads the word. He probably told my supervisor. She makes comments about my weight all the time. But like I said, I'm fat. No one would believe him, right? Even if they did, what does it matter?

My life.
My choice.

sugar-free Red Bull (28 cal)