April 1, 2011

Happy Fools Day


I have decided that because today is the beginning of a new month, spring has finally sprung, and Rico's birthday is in a few weeks I am going to begin my own personal 'summer boot camp'.

I need to get my body bikini ready. I do not want to spend another summer trying to hide my body. Well, I just want to be comfortable enough to wear some damn shorts and a tank top because I am starting to doubt that I will ever be comfortable with my body.

I have decided to exercise for three hours every day. There will be a lot of cardio, some strength training and a lot of restricting.

My calorie limit for today is 500. I think what I am going to try doing is lower my calorie intake by 100 everyday until I hit 0 then I will increase my calorie intake by 100 everyday until I reach 500. If I can, I will continue doing this.   

My boot camp is going to be from April 1 to June 21 (maybe longer.) I have been so busy today so I will be on later to update with my stats, exercise, diet, etc. Along with more info.... I really haven't thought this whole thing through yet. lol.


March 30, 2011

The Versatile Blogger Award

  • Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
  • Share seven things about yourself.
  • Bestow this honor on to ten newly discovered or followed Bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
  • Drop by and let your ten new friends know your admiration.
Thank you Tracy!! :)

  1. I live in Canada and have never left the province I was born in. I want to travel somewhere warm! It would be wonderful to see the ocean and walk on white sand. I would love to go to Rome, Germany, Ireland, Australia - and more places I just can't think of right now. I love Canada though. I watch other countries suffer in poverty and feel so lucky to live where I do. I also feel blessed to have the opportunity to experience all four seasons (even though I only like summer :P )

  2. I have two brothers and two sisters but I only get along with my younger sister. I didn't meet my one brother until I was 14 and I still haven't met my other brother. My older sister changed, "grew up" and went off to get married at a young age. She is only a year older than me. We used to be best friends 'twins' but now we are two completely different people and don't get along.

  3. I love animals; big or small. They are so much easier to love than humans. No head games, they either like you or they don't. I have five animals at the moment :)

  4. I have always had this dream of becoming a model. I know it's a silly dream because it will never happen. I'm only 5'6" tall and am no where near thin enough. But anyway... I used to, and sometimes still do, hold little photo shoots in my home or in my backyard. I would dress up all pretty; nice makeup, hair, clothing and would take photos of myself. I would then edit them to look "professional"  .. lol.

  5. You may or may not have already noticed but I never follow through with my plans. I have a problem with things needing to be perfect and when something goes wrong I give up. I think I write too many lists and expect for things to go perfect - according to plan - but I always pick myself up and I suppose that's the only thing that matters ;)

  6. I know a lot of people with eating disorders say that they hate food but I love it. I love sweets. Chocolate is my biggest weakness. That and turkey fried rice. Oh my god. I love baking but I hate cooking. I am SO bad at cooking it's not even funny. I have lit fires and made people gag haha

  7. I love my blog but I hate it at the same time. I think I share too much and often think that my posts come off ignorant or depressing. I am planning on giving my blog a 'face lift'. I guess this has to do with the fact that I am always changing things. Nothing is ever good enough and it drives me up the wall.

I nominate...

:)







March 29, 2011

Well, That Was (Sort Of) Worth It

I have spent the past ten days on a mini 'vacation from reality'. I didn't talk to anyone except for Rico and his parents. I slept many hours, cleaned the house top-to-bottom, organized everything in my home, and spent a lot of time with my animals.

I was pretty active with cleaning but I did spend a lot of time lounging around. I did not make any lists or even exercise. I didn't even take care of myself. It might be gross but I have been in the same pajamas since day one. I did take baths but I didn't wear makeup or do my hair. No nail trimming and painting. I didn't even pluck my eyebrows. My weight was still in the back of my mind but I ate. Not a lot but I did eat supper almost every night, plus a few sweets.

I am scared to weigh myself. I was 108 pounds just ten days ago but I have a very bad feeling that I have gained weight. Just yesterday, I went on a binge. It was really bad. I ate so much! When I looked in the mirror and saw my disgusting stomach (which looked pregnant by the way) I snapped back into reality. What the hell was I doing?!

This isolation from the world was good for me. I got a lot of stuff done around the house that I had been wanting to do for months but due to my work schedule and depression I never found the time to do it. I am also really happy that I have been spending more time with my animals. My dog is getting pretty old and I feel bad for neglecting not only her but my other two animals.

I think my 'break from the world' was caused by other people. I got so sick and tired of trying to please everyone. No matter what I do, no one is ever happy with me or my efforts. I got tired of drama between people I once called "friends" and my family. And so overwhelmed with worrying about what people were thinking.

I have always been this way so I doubt anything has changed but I do feel more content. Anyway! I'm back now and hopefully I will not need another 'vacation' for a long time. I missed my blog terribly. There was so much running through my mind.


    

March 19, 2011

I apologize

I really haven't been in the mood to post. I need to take a break from life... focus on myself for a while.

March 15, 2011

Fired

Dear Koala,
Due to ongoing performance issues, your employment with (company) was terminated effective today...
Performance issues? I have bent over backwards for this company. I filled in so many shifts, I always showed up on time, I only had four sick days through the 18 months I was employed (two of which were funerals), I helped my co-workers, I took on tasks that weren't part of my job, I double checked all my work, I was always trying to find ways to improve. Prior to my warnings, I wanted to learn everything there was to know about the company. I wanted to know my job inside and out. I had dreams and goals.

Even though I was unhappy, I took pride in my work. That is why I never quit. A part of me thought I could prove myself to them. I didn't want to give up because I was holding onto hope. The thing that made me unhappy were all the warnings. Rather than talking to me about the mistakes I was making they would write me up. I'm not saying that I was the best employee because I know I made mistakes. Some of those warnings I may have deserved but I do feel like there was serious lack of communication.

By reviewing all my warnings I can see that I was being bullied by my supervisor and the company didn't trust me because of my father. I find it very odd that the warnings started only 13 days after my father got fired.

When they told me I was fired, I felt nothing. Not angry nor sad. I've seen this moment slowly approaching since I found out my father was suing them. I knew they would get rid of me. It seems weird but I'm overjoyed to be out of that environment. It was making me so depressed. I learned so much from working there and for that I am grateful.

I look at this as though another chapter in my life has ended and it couldn't have came at a better time. It's a part of my journey.


Two red bulls = 424
Calories burned through exercise = approx. 127


Warning! Warning! Warning!

I told you that I would share all the warnings I have received from work. First, here is a little recap on what happened prior to my warnings.

My father filed a lawsuit because there were high levels of H2S in his body due to the company not turning on the ventilation fans. The company ended up getting fined and were forced to turn the fan on. On June 1, 2010 he got fired "just cause" and again, filed another lawsuit for several things. My father is still in the process of suing the company. His lawyer says he has a really good chance of winning because the company broke so many laws. 

The first verbal warning I got is dated for June 14, 2010 - I received it on November 12, 2010. It states...
"On June 14th Koala called her supervisor to inform her that her boyfriend had a death in the family, an aunt had passed away. At that time her supervisor told her she would look into if she could have the time off as she was not sure the process for a non family member and that her supervisor would get back to her. Koala went ahead and called the department manager.
Koala violated the chain of command by over stepping her supervisor and going directly to the department manager."
First, I don't EVER remember calling my manager. I was working nights at the time and had sent an email to my co-worker asking if he would be able to cover for me because this is what I was trained to do. Second, I don't think she was titled my supervisor at this point in time because, after my previous supervisor quit, no one was made aware of who our supervisor was.

The second verbal warning I got is dated for September 22, 2010 - I received it on November 12, 2010. It states...
"In the shift report for Sep 22, 2010 Koala had indicated that the fleet sheets are being filled out but her co-workers were not entering it into the system. Koala goes on to tell her co-workers if this is something that needs to be done. 
Koala violated chain of command. Stuff like this could be put into the shift report but in a different manner then brought the issue forth to her supervisor.
Koala is to bring all issues to her direct supervisor who will deal with the issue. If the direct supervisor can not get the situation resolved then the supervisor will bring the issue to the department manager, at which the manager will handle the concerns."
When I got hired I was trained to share information that went on during my shift with everyone so we could work together at bettering our devision. Everyone used to send out emails like this to remind each other what to do. I saw no harm in it, I was polite. After I received this warning, I brought the issue we were having with the fleet up with my supervisor several times. It has yet to be resolved.

The first written warning I got is dated for October 14, 2010 - I received it on November 17, 2010. It states...
"On Oct 8, 2010 Koala sent an email to all co-workers and Cc'd two managers on an issue. The email was directed to (one of the managers). She said that she was unable to contact him on his cell. Koala called me on my cell phone that day and I let her know that he was on days off and that dispatch would be the contact but to confirm that with them.
Koala violated the chain of command again by going above both her supervisor and her department manager after being told verbally during a staff meeting that any issues are to be brought to her supervisors attention as well by another disciplinary verbal document given to her. Koala is not to contact another manager.
Koala is to bring all issues she is having to her direct supervisor who will deal with the issue at hand. If the direct supervisor can not get the situation resolved then the supervisor will bring the issue to the department manager and have him handle the concerns.
Further disciplinary process or termination will occur if above is breached again." 
Again, I was trained to share information that went on during my shift with everyone so we could work together. What had happened this day;  I had a customer wishing to speak with said manager. The system said he was on call. I called the number listed and there was no answer. I tried his cell phone but some guy answered saying that I had the wrong number. The customer I had on hold hung up because I was taking too long to transfer him. I had no idea how to get a hold of this manager and was never informed of his holidays. I felt like I needed to make everyone aware of the situation because it was not my fault. One big issue I have with this warning is that it states "...as well by another disciplinary verbal document given to her." Obviously I was never given, nor made aware of, this document at the time because I received it on the same day I received this warning.

The second written warning I got is dated for January 5, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states...
"On Jan 3, 2011 Koala was asked to book an accommodation in (town) at the (hotel name) for 2 Medics by (person who asked me to book it). Koala booked the accommodation but not at the (hotel name) but rather in (different town) at the (different hotel name). 
Koala violated an order given to her by a department supervisor. It has been told to Koala in the past that if asked to book a hotel at a specific hotel by a supervisor she is to do so, not go by the accommodations spreadsheet that is used. The (hotel name) was to be used as (client's company name) was conducting there orientation there.
Night shift was able to cancel the room with out any cost to the company and a booking was able to be done at (hotel name). If there would have not been any rooms available at the hotel requested this could have cost a lot of unnecessary distress on all parties involved.
Koala needs to concentrate more and be aware to details in her job. She is being placed on a 3 months probation for not following directions and if any further accommodations are not done as asked termination will result."
 Okay first of all, how do they know that said supervisor hadn't asked me to book an accommodation in a different hotel? He was a new employee at the time. Maybe he was the one that fucked up, not me. I have proof that I did in fact book this accommodation in the town requested, it was just in a different hotel. Also, Night shift did cancel this room, however there was no further documentation that a new accommodation was booked. 

The third written warning I got is dated for January 5, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states...
"On Jan 3, 2011 it was observed that (employee name) was not in the system for her trip from (town to town). She had left the shop at 07:00 hrs at which time she states that she checked in. She checked in every two hours from that point on. When she arrived to her destination she was in convoy with (2nd employee name) till they reached (town name). (2nd employee name) was put in but again (employee name) was not.
As per procedure, it is mandatory that all personal who are traveling are to be put into the system and monitored throughout their trip. If a person forgets to add them in, on the next check in they are to add them with a note as to when they started. 
This is not the first time this has happened on Koala's shift. There are other incidents documented to show her errors. Being the time of year with bad road conditions it is crucial that no one is left out of journey management. It is the responsibility of the operator to make sure that all information has been inputted.
With having mistakes again in this area after having been given verbals in the past, I feel that it is necessary for Koala to be put on a 3 month probational period and any further mistakes will result in termination."
I have all the records about this trip. I don't understand how I could have possibly missed entering her into the system if she was checking in every two hours. Her trip was 9.5 hours long. There is no way I would have missed that. Also, when night shift entered her into the system, it was 17 minutes before she arrived at her destination. Not to mention the fact that night shift had booked an accommodation for her right after she had called. How do they know that this lady didn't call? How do they know it was my fault? I also find it awfully weird that the second employee traveling in convoy checked in during night shift at 18:57, 20:58, 22:09, 22:46, and 23:16. If they were traveling together, they should have been checking in at the same times. My shift ends at 18:30 which means night shift must have forgot to add her in the system as well, right? (or she never fucking called in the first place!)

The fourth written warning I got is dated for January 10, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states... 
 "On Jan 10, 2011 it was observed that information put into the journey management system was not correct. Employee had put in the wrong driver for working alone.
As per department procedure it is the responsibility of the employee working to have all information in the system correct.
(company) is wanting to take on outside companies for monitoring of journey management. With mistakes happening this will not occur. (company) strives to excellence in all aspects of business.
Employee has been given three written's and any further neglect to employee's job termination will result."
I am human aren't I? Everyone makes mistakes. Almost every day I would come into work there would be a mistake I needed to fix from the person on night shift. Also, what procedure are they talking about? There are few procedures written for my department. If there are others I do not know where they are located. Also, I was never given an employee handbook. 

The fifth written warning I got is dated for March 1, 2011 - I received it on March 1, 2011. It states...
"After pulling the phone logs to check busy times it has been observed that non work phone calls have been occurring. The duration of the calls has been between 7 to 30 min. This has been observed from Nov 2010 to Feb 2011. All call sheets are attached. 
(a copy of one of the companies procedures)
When you arrive at work, it is expected that you will be conducting only work related business and that all calls will be on a timely manner no matter who your dealing with. There will be no more personal calls during working hours of 06:30 to 18:30. The use of cell phones are not to be used except in the case of an emergency (death or injury)
Failure to perform your job and follow procedures will result in instant termination."
This one is actually legit. Yes.. I made personal calls at work. However, my supervisor had no problems with this before. She actually used to answer calls for me while I took a personal call. I used to always tell her not too because I could place whoever I was speaking with on hold and do my job because my job comes first. Because I kept placing my personal calls on hold, they were a bit longer than usual. Another thing, why is this only directed towards me? Everyone uses their cell phones. My supervisor receives countless phone calls from her sister and mom.  Why does night shift get treated differently? "...during working hours of 06:30 to 18:30." I still don't think I should have received a written about this when I was misinformed. One minute my supervisor is telling me to do something or saying that something is okay and then the next thing I know I get written up for it. 

2011 Checklist.

...I will be editing this a lot because life is crazy and things change all the time. 


Jan. 31 - 114 lbs
Feb. 28 - 113 lbs
Mar. 31 ... 105?

95 lbs by July 20th.
...maintain or lose more.

Life:
Keep my job for another yearGet a good job; better wage, 8 hour shifts, Mon-Fri. Be professional at work; keep a journal, dress and smell nice, always on time, never miss work (unless death, illness, poor weather), be friendly to everyone and seem happy. Socialize more; make friends. Manage money better; save $6 000. Get drivers license. Have 1 "date night" per month with Rico. Own more vintage items. Create and follow a workout routine. Create and follow a cleaning schedule. Be a better girlfriend. Fix my credit and pay off Rico's debt. Be a better sister. Get a new style; hair, clothing, etc. Find my man a job; apprenticeship? Move!

Self:
90 - 95 lbs. Blonde hair. Clear, soft skin. Be well-groomed, everyday. Find happiness. Stop complaining. Sound smarter.

Wants:
Tan. Laptop. New cell phone. Car. Find new music; put on iPod. Learn how to cook. Learn how to sew; make my own clothing. Draw more often; learn how to draw realistic people. Learn how to bake. Post on my blog everyday; starting March 29 (updates don't count).


March 14, 2011

Feeling fat.


I'm in a depressing mood today. Rico goes back to work tonight, I go back tomorrow. I'm scared to show my lovely yellow locks to the world. That guy I was telling you about, well our friendship has gotten weird. I don't think he likes speaking with me anymore... oh well. My sister is acting like a retard. She pretty much said that I'm disgusting and a horrible person for smoking. I'm so fat. I caved and weighed myself, still 110 but I feel so much bigger.

I ate some things I wasn't supposed to today. Four cookies and some pop corn. Yuck, pop corn?! I don't know why but I thought food would comfort me but it just made me sick and now I'm worried that I will gain weight. I feel so lonely. I went on my Facebook and deleted a bunch of people. I'm wondering if I should just delete my account.

When I was fooling around with my webcam earlier I noticed that my hair looks so much better on there. I cannot wait until I can bleach it again. I thought it would be a good idea to record what my body looks like. If you ever want to feel even worse about yourself, I suggest doing this. I look disgusting. Especially my hips!! They're so gross and it always looks like I have love-handles :(  

Most of my clothes are far too big and now that I'm going to try to stop wearing the baggy clothes I need to go through my wardrobe and see what fits. I don't know if I can do it though. I like clothing that hides my figure. I don't want anyone to see the rolls
.



Here is a picture of my hair after being bleached once. I'm going from medium/dark brown to blonde...



...it looks more yellow/orange in person and really doesn't look good with my skin tone.

I'll Keep Hiding

Going back to my previous post...

I was thinking about how I would react if he asked me if I have an eating disorder.
Yes I starve myself. At times I will make myself vomit. I hate doing it but it's the only thing I can control. I hate myself, my life, and the world. I know you will never understand and you probably think I am a moron. Some stupid bitch obsessed with being thin. It goes much deeper than that though and I wish you could understand. 
Now that I've spent time to think about it, there is no way I could tell him. He knows my father and sister. Not only that but when we were talking that one time he made me realize that he has absolutely no idea what this is all about. He would be the worst person to tell. He would probably try to get me help or say something hurtful and be way too judgmental. It would probably ruin our friendship and that is something I don't want. I am done throwing hints his way. I don't know what I was thinking.


Rico and I just got back from the store. We bought some scratch and wins (didn't win anything - what a surprise lol) I grabbed a penny and started scratching away. Rico's mom looked at me and said "You need to get some meat on your bones" I laughed. "Look how tiny your hands and wrists are!" she said. I smiled at the wonderful compliment. A grin I couldn't hold back. I made a joke of it. Saying that every woman has small hands and wrists. I got her to examine herself then told her that she also needs to keep in mind that I am "small boned".

All of Rico's mom's comments about my weight are starting to bother me. They are wonderful compliments and motivation but I wonder what she thinks. That might be why she has been cooking supper every night. Maybe she's trying to fatten me up. I wonder if she's worried... I don't want her to be.

I started thinking about summer again and how I hope I am 95 lbs in June (or, at the very latest, my birthday in July!) so I can go shopping and look great in a brand new bikini. Thoughts of Rico's parents popped in my head. I have lost 28 lbs since I last wore a bathing suit. I wonder how they will react when they see me in one this year. Maybe I should stop hiding my body. Maybe my weight loss is too noticeable when I go weeks hiding under a baggy hoody then one day walk around in a t-shirt. It's just so damn uncomfortable knowing that people can see my rolls hanging out but, I guess if Rico's mom is making comments, I must be getting smaller.


Time to ditch the over-sized hoodies, winter jackets and baggy pants. Time to wear things that somewhat fit. If they're too big, I can always wear a belt. No more hiding my body! Summer is coming, I have 15 lbs to lose, and I do not need anyone telling me I am "too thin" or that I "need to eat". I don't want anyone to force me to do anything. I am a grown woman and can make my own decisions.

You might wonder why I am never worried about Rico finding out. To be honest, I am. I don't want him to know. The reason why I don't get so paranoid with him is because he makes jokes about me being fat all the time. I don't know if he's ever serious but I assume he is. It's great motivation. I can't recall if I ever told you this but I think he has an eating disorder. I just cant put my finger on it. He is so thin, way thinner than me. I've been watching his food habits and I notice that he goes to the bathroom often after he has eaten. Most of his food is fed to the dogs and the majority of the time he doesn't even eat. He has horrible teeth and has no energy. But again, I'm not too sure. This is something I need to keep watching. I don't think I would ever come out and tell him unless he told me he had an eating disorder first. For now, he motivates me and for that I am very grateful.

On another note, I just found the greatest cigarettes in the world :)

March 13, 2011

Nothing Interesting

Well, I broke my fast today and I'm not sure how many calories I had. I had to eat supper. I didn't eat much of it though so hopefully I wont gain any weight!! I'm starting over again at midnight but I'm not too sure if I should do a fast, diet or detox. I want to get down to 100 lbs by April 23.

I bleached my hair today. I'm not too sure if I like the end result. It looks more yellow than anything. I know this is one of the steps it takes when going brown to blonde but it looks a little weird to me. It reminds me of lady gaga's hair lol. I'm just happy it's not orange.

Remember that guy I was telling you about? Okay well we were talking about weight again today. He called me a chubby chaser (so far from true it's not even funny). We got into an argument and I said, without even thinking, "So I'm 5'6 and 110 lbs." Then said that size doesn't matter which is true when it comes to what we were talking about (friendship). I have many friends who are over weight and I still love them. Anyway... I wonder if he remembers that the last time we spoke about weight I said I was 114 lbs.... ya, sadly I still want him to know.

I don't have much more to talk about right now. I'll probably be on later though. Rico isn't working and I'm going to spend the night with him - a night of me playing on the computer and him playing xbox ahaha but ehh it's the thought that counts.


   I wish my hair looked like this rather than yellow...


March 12, 2011

Supper, I hate you.

Lately Rico's parents insist on cooking supper every night. I've been able to get away with not eating on the days I work but now that I'm on my days off it's hard. Especially when there is no where for me to hide.

Usually I will grab a plate of food and go into my bedroom. I will throw it in the garbage and bring the empty plate back into the kitchen. My perfect way to dispose of it. If I have to eat in the house I will usually feed most of my food to the dogs. However, I am fasting right now which means I cannot have anything.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop while my plate of food sits on the living room table. Rico's father is sitting in his chair eating. His mother is eating at the kitchen table. I'm hoping I can just leave it to cool down and when they ask me why I'm not eating, I can use the teeth whiting thing as an excuse. It says not to have anything that will stain your teeth.

Update: Never mind. I just stuffed the food into the couch. I'll clean it up once his parents go to sleep. Gosh, I feel like such a child hiding my food. 


Beauty

I haven't felt attractive in a very long time. It goes much deeper than weight issues. I hate who I am and I need to change.

With summer coming, I thought it would be a great idea to lighten my hair. I went out and bought bleach / toner. I have gone strawberry blonde in the past and Rico seemed to be much more attracted to me. He says I seemed happier. I know it's crazy to think a change in my style would make me happier but I guess if that's what he thinks, I'll do it. I wasn't a fan of strawberry blonde though. I think it looked horrible with the pink tones in my skin. I'm hoping to reach a nice honey / golden blonde this time. 

I'm still debating on what I will do with my eyebrows. What do you think? Does it look funny when a girl has black / dark brown eyebrows with blonde hair?

With a mixture of my smoking and occasional purging, my teeth have become quite yellow. They look disgusting. I bought this 1 hour whitening system. It's supposed to last for 10 - 20 applications. Hopefully this product will help! Also, I really need to figure out what to do about my breath. We all know how bad our breath can get from the starvation.

My skin has been clearing up lately. I've been drinking a lot of water to help hydrate my skin and I've stopped drying my face with a towel. I just let it air dry. I exfoliate my face every night with a soft bristle skin brush and steam clean my pores once a week. I also stopped touching my face and I make sure to wash it twice a day. It might seem crazy but I swear the towels were the root of my acne.  


I still want a whole new wardrobe but I refuse to go shopping until I reach 95 lbs. When summer comes, I want a tan. Just something to make me look a little healthier.

Sometimes I wish I had someone I could tell about my eating disorder. I feel so lonely. I have a great texting buddy though. Her and I seem to think a lot alike and I appreciate having someone there for me... even if we've never met in person. 

I have been on a fast for three days now. I'm just switching back and fourth from a water fast to a zero calorie fast. I'm hoping that I will be at 105 lbs by Thursday :)




March 11, 2011

CW: 110 lbs

Really? ...I think my scale is broken.

I weighed myself at least 30 times today. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see a lower number but I'm having a hard time believing that I am 110 pounds.

I spent most of the day at the hospital. Rico got a piece of metal stuck in his eye. They had to drill it out. My friend and her fiancĂ©e had a beautiful baby boy. He didn't live. I wish there was something I could do, I feel so bad for my friends.

Life is crazy, isn't it? You never know what's going to happen.

March 10, 2011

March 9, 2011

I Need A Change.


If I had it my way, I would have the money to get a new wardrobe, accessories and all. My style is so boring and I'm tired of it. I want a completely new look. Something more edgy. I want people to look at me and think, "wow she's gorgeous." I want people to constantly comment and compliment. I want to be unique.

I want to start learning how to do my makeup better. I've always had trouble blending my eyeshadow and I don't think I'm using the proper foundation for my skin.  I also want fun hair. Long and not my natural color. Maybe blonde with pink or something like that. My hairdresser has the nicest hair right now. It's a deep purple but it looks so good! I think purple would look good on me because purple brings out green eyes.

I'm a fan of styles like rockabilly and scene. I'd love to get more tattoos and piercings. I only have a tongue ring right now and one tattoo. I want my lip, eyebrow, nose, and belly button done. I have so many ideas for tattoos it's not even funny. I wish I was talented enough to be a tattoo artist. That would be
an amazing job!


The only problem is... I don't think I have the personality to pull off a look like that. I'm more reserved; quiet and socially awkward. I want to be outgoing and bubbly. I want to be one of those girls everyone loves. Funny, smart, and fun to be around.

March 8, 2011

Boring Day

I felt very ill most of the day. Rico and I talked about that girl. I think things are a little bit better now but I am still hurt. I was so upset last night I only got one hour of sleep. Now it's 11:57 PM and I still cannot sleep. No matter how tired I am or how much my body aches I just cannot fall asleep. Insomnia, I hate you.

I had to attend a meeting at work today. There was food... I ate a slice of pizza. Calorie content? Fuck if I know. I also had a Red Bull (212) and when it was half gone, I decided to chow down on a piece of French toast. I feel fat. I've felt huge all day. I can feel the rolls when I move. So why did I eat? Well the pizza was one of those things I had to do. They're already suspicious about my weight anyway, no need to give them more reasons to worry. The red bull? I was thirsty. Poor excuse, I know. The French toast? Well, I randomly decided that tomorrow I am going to start another Red Bull fast. No rules this time. I tend to break them anyway.  

The store where I live STILL doesn't carry sugar free Red Bulls. I should make a complaint, haha.



March 7, 2011

Reality check: YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I caught Rico chatting it up with some skank over the internet. I knew he had been going to this one site for many months and had no problem with it. There are a bunch of sluts showing off their bodies. One even shoved twizzlers up her woohoo...

This is personal but I could give two shits right now. I have caught Rico masturbating while / after chatting with these girls online. At first, I giggled about it and thought I'd let him have his fun. He is the type of guy that denies ever having touched himself in a naughty way. The other night I woke up to him jacking off on the bed beside me, on cam, with some chick!! I felt nauseous and I don't even think he knows I saw. He leaped off the bed, lifted up the laptop, let out a little chuckle as he typed something then put the laptop away. He acted completely normal.

I didn't speak. I didn't want to overreact and have a huge fight. I stayed calm and started cleaning the room. He asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. About an hour later I came into the room and asked him what had happened. Who was he speaking with that turned him on so much he had to please himself? He blew it off saying he didn't do anything. What was I talking about? Apparently he was just bored so he went on this site, got a little turned on and was going to wake me up for sex right before I woke up. I know he's lying.

It's been two days since that incident. Today I went through the history and, luckily for me, that site keeps track of the history as well. I went through and saw this one slut he's been talking to for eight months. He doesn't seem to talk too dirty but what offends me the most is all the sweet things he says. I am so insulted right now. I want to take the webcams and smash them. That is so gross.

Talking one-on-one with a chick, revealing his body to her as she reveals her body to him, and saying sweet things that he would NEVER say to me really fucking hurts! What do I need to do to make him love me?! I want him to look at me and see perfection. A "cutie pie" (as he called her), with a gorgeous smile and amazing butt.

Rico, I am sorry you think so low of me. You spend hours upon hours talking with some girl that you don't even know when you have someone laying right next to you. Someone you never want to touch or even spend time with. I am sorry that you think the worst of me. I really don't know what to do to change the way you feel about me and I'm starting to think I will never be able to be that one woman that takes your breath away. Thank you for being just like every guy. 
Why would you tell her you love her? Fuck you. Love. You have no fucking idea what that word means. You throw it around like a twelve year old on crack. 
I feel amazing and so loved. My boyfriend would rather spend time with other women than with me. I can't believe I am that horrible in bed and that all the cruel things you've said to me over the years are actually true. You really do think the worst of me. Fat. Ugly. Slob. Immature. Quitter. Annoying. Bitch. Failure. Pathetic piece of shit. I don't know why you're with me. This makes me question your loyalty. I always took pride in knowing that my boyfriend was a loyal, honest man. He was my best friend. 
I wonder what you've done all these years. You were alone for many nights. I swear to GOD Rico, you NEVER want me to catch you with your pants down! >:(


So now I'm in a shitty mood. I refuse to let another man make me cry. This is bullshit but I can't help but wonder if karma has something to do with it. Maybe I deserve this. I don't know if I should send him an email tonight because I wont see him for four days. I deleted that bitch off his friends list. I'm sure he'll notice and change his password. I want to go onto his msn and delete her from there too. My heart is pounding so hard I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

I'm still sick. Not as bad as before but still pretty sick. I got another written warning at work. I'm still 113 pounds of lard. I never want to eat again. I want to starve, suffer in pain, until I collapse and die.

February 28, 2011

Cough, cough, sniffle, cough




Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Caughing, headache, bodyache, sore throat, stuffy nose, runny nose, nausea, wattery eyes ... the list goes on. I hope I keep getting sicker and I hope it lasts a few weeks.

The only downside to being so sick and in so much pain is that I cannot find the energy to exercise. I haven't had to touch much food so that's good!

I've been limiting myself to one weigh-in per week which is every Thursday. I hope I step on the scale and it reads 110 lbs... then 105... then 100. I can burn the last 5 lbs off with exercise. It would be perfect. However, nothing's perfect in this crazy world.

Rico's mom said I need to gain weight. I think she only said that because none of my pants fit. I can't wait until I'm 95 lbs and can go shopping!! I'm going to throw out all my old FAT clothing. It will be happy times.

February 27, 2011

Sick.


I love being sick. This is the only time no one begs me to eat. And if they do end up making me some soup, I can take a few spoon fulls and say "I'm not feeling well." The amount of weight I lose is amazing.

The only thing that sucks is when you're not sick enough. Take me for example; I'm sick but not sick enough to miss work which means I'm not sick with the flu, just a cold. I would rather have the flu to be brutally honest.

February 25, 2011

I'm sad.

I was in an okay mood this morning but now I just want to cry. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. What's wrong with me? :(

For some reason I feel, almost, home sick. I miss my sister and I miss having a family. I miss being a child - when the world was so easy, so happy. I miss having close friends. I just want to laugh so hard I cry and party so hard I puke.

Do you ever ask yourself, "what's the point?"

I'm 20 - something and have already been through so much bad stuff in my life. When does it get better? Does it ever get easier? What is my point in life? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? I don't know. I don't think I will ever know.

I'm a loser. I'm selfish. I'm childish. I'm ugly. I'm fat.
I'm going nowhere in life. I'm a failure. I have nothing.

Summer is coming and I'm still so fat. 113 isn't acceptable, I've lost next-to-nothing in the past few months. Rico probably thinks I'm disgusting. My job sucks and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be happy! Please, can't I just be happy?
When will I fade away.......

February 24, 2011

So much to talk about!

First, I would like to mention that I love "F**kin' Perfect" by Pink.

Welcome to my silly life...
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good.'
It didn't slow me down.

Mistaken.
Always second guessing.
Underestimated. 
Look I'm still around. 
 <3


Okay so I know I haven't posted in way too long. I have missed my blog so much. 

I decided to try a different approach at reinventing myself and, silly ol' me, thought I could overcome my eating disorder by pretending it wasn't there. I started a different blog, which I have deleted, to document my journey to happiness. That blog didn't turn out too well. It's hard to write about a perfect, happy life when it's no where near there. It's even harder to block out the negative thoughts when they consume your world.

There are a few things I want to continue to do. I really want to figure out what I love in life and still try to find happiness. I've been learning to bake but I'm not too sure how good it tastes because I never try it. I also want to learn how to cook. I know it might seem weird but I actually enjoy it. And it makes me full just from the smell and seeing all the gross stuff that goes into making it actually makes me sick. I'm going to start sewing soon. I want to make my own clothing this way it will perfectly fit my body. I want to take more pictures and become really good at it. There are so many things I want to do and so much I want to learn.

I've been keeping a positive mind toward life issues. When drama and negative things happen I just walk away. Today, for example, as soon as Rico's mom came home she was bitching and moaning about the stupidest stuff. And yet again, she threatened to kick us out. How did I deal with it? I didn't. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I can't deal with that crap.

I created a list on everything I want to change about myself!! My goal is to have this list completed by 2012. You can view it by clicking HERE.

Rico bought me a promise ring. He loves me but I feel like he just bought it because he knew I wanted it. I actually feel bad that he bought it! Crazy eh. I'm trying to be a better girlfriend but it's so hard.  

A few days ago I mentioned that song "Skin and Bones" by Marianas Trench to this male friend of mine. I explained to him what the song was about and told him that the lead singer used to suffer from bulimia. My friend actually made fun of him!! So of course, I defended him. I said that it's a disease, not a choice. I also said that it's not always about being thin... there are many people who aren't thin who have eating disorders. Of course, he apologized, said he just doesn't understand, and we left it at that. Today he was being so nice and we were talking deep. He asked me how much I weigh... I told him 114 lbs. He shared a song with me so I told him to watch the beginning of this video (click HERE) because the lady doesn't look very satisfied. Later he asked me how tall I am... I told him 5'6". Now, if my friend is smart he would catch on. I don't know why but, for some reason, I want him to know my dirty secret.

Other then that, life is what it is. I'm at 113 lbs (I just weighed myself) and I really have no desire to eat. I'm still aiming for 95 lbs and I'm sad that I'm still in the 110 - 115 region. I'm going to continue blogging. I just ordered a laptop and I can't wait until it gets here! I also want to start exercising again. Like f**k! Summer is coming and I better hurry up!

I had a Red Bull today (212)  -- yup, still addicted.




Reinventing myself.

Cut & Color
If I go blonde...

  • Cool blonde with a subtle golden hue or lighten the base to blonde with a single-process color then add highlights to create depth and texture.
  • Pay special attention to the hair around the face (lighter highlights makes the face 'pop')
  • Don't go too light.
If I don't dye my hair...

  • Grow it down to my butt.
  • Make it healthy and 100% natural.
Either way...
  • Trim and add layers starting at the jaw. Face framing layers in the front.
  • A nice side swept bang.

Skin Care

  • Drink at least eight glasses of water every day.
  • Use proper face wash system for my skin. (face wash, toner and lotion)
  • Cleanse face twice a day.
  • Do not touch my face during the day!
  • Moisturize daily.
  • Exfoliate every other day
  • Sleep on my back with hair in a pony.
  • Use a wrinkle cream.
Fitness
  • Exercise for a minimum of 1 hour daily (must burn more calories than consumed)
  • Refrain from eating any kind of 'junk' food.
  • Drink lots of water.
  • Weigh 90 - 95 lbs.
  • Get a very toned body. (mini six pack and tight butt/thighs)
Grooming
  • Neat and even eyebrows.
  • Clean-shaven.
  • Manicure and pedicure.
  • Smell amazing.
  • Shower and shave daily.
  • Brush and floss twice a day (use whitening products.)
Makeup
  • Focus on making my eyes 'pop'
  • Stick to neutral shades during the day / work.
  • Play it up at night.
  • Foundation MUST match skin tone.
  • Conceal all blemishes.
  • Use a ton-correcting product.
  • Contour and highlight.
  • Matte finishing powder.
  • NEVER pack it on. 
Clothing/Accessories

  • Clothing that flatters my figure.
  • Wide range of colors, fabrics and types of clothing (dresses, etc)
  • Vintage items.
Lifestyle

  • Always doing something fun or worthwhile. 
  • Become a domestic goddess.
  • Take pictures of everything.
  • Spend lots of time outside.
  • Care for the animals and walk the dogs daily.
  • Be a great girlfriend.
  • Try new things!
Personality

  • Outgoing.
  • Bubbly.
  • Happy.
  • Smart.
  • Interesting.
  • Kind.
  • Caring.
  • Loving.
  • Selfless.
  • Creative.
  • Determined.
  • Confident. 

February 20, 2011

Twenty days without posting?!!

I have so many things to share with you, I cannot wait to get back into my blogging! I'm at work today and have to make this a quick post. I know I shouldn't come on during work but I miss my damn blog! lol. Anyway, I'll be back on tomorrow with a few posts.

Take care <3

January 31, 2011

Slob.

Rico and I were playing cards the other night. He told me I'm a slob. That comment really hurt. I don't know why he said it :(

I know I don't take care of myself as well as I did when we met. However, most of the things I did in order to look attractive he would complain about. He said I took too long to get ready and that I was fine just the way I was. So, I stopped being so high mentenance. If he's talking about the way I eat, well ya. That's all my fault. I should never binge but it happens. And, unfortunately, he has seen me binge many times.


I need to change. He won't tell me why he thinks I'm a slob so I guess I'm just going to have to change everything.

slob:
1. A slovenly, unattractive, and lazy person
2. A coarse obnoxious person
3. A vulgar person         
pig, litterbug, slovenly woman, slut, trollop...

It hurts that he thinks so low of me. He's been quite mean these past few nights. He's become very cocky. Talking rude toward me and his parents. Bragging about how much money he makes and trying to make me feel like a bad girlfriend. Which I am but it still hurts to hear.

Rico, don't forget who's supported you for the past two years. Remember everything I've done. Never forget the person who has been right by your side, through thick and thin. :(

January 29, 2011

Oops.

I kept procrastinating. "Ah whatever, I'll write a post tomorrow." Next thing I know it's been two days. Haha.

I to do ABC but I don't think now is the right time. It's sad to say but I have to go grocery shopping. I'm not very good at sticking with diets but I'd like to complete this one. It's such a long diet though!

I'm 113 lbs. I had a Red Bull on January 27 (212). Yesterday I had a little more; Red Bull (424) and approximately 200 calories worth of beef jerky. I really should have skipped the second Red Bull yesterday. My plans for today are just a can of Red Bull (212). What? I told you, I'm addicted to the stuff haha. I wish I could buy sugar free Red Bulls around here!!

After today, I have four days off!! I get to spend time with Rico tonight and tomorrow :). I miss him so much! He gave me a pep talk about work yesterday lol. I should tell you guys all the bullshit I got warnings for. They're ridiculous! I've moved on though. I could really care less. I'm done.

When I went to bed last night I was in this weird mood. I've decided to make myself happy. I'm going to do things that I love and look at everything in a positive way. Life's too short to be stressed. Besides, stress and depression make me binge and, in turn, I gain way too much weight!

Anywhooo, I better get back to work!

12:30 PM - There I go again, eating when I'm not even hungry! I had 1 cup of chicken noodle soup (70). 282 calories today, hopefully no more. I don't know what's wrong with me!! I wasn't even craving it. Hey, talking about cravings, I could really use some honey right about now! Mmm. Been craving it for three days now.

January 26, 2011

I give up.

It's like people just KNOW when I'm fasting. Seriously?

I had a great day. Well, somewhat boring and my back hurt really bad all day. I was able to eat nothing, consumed water only. Then my shift came to an end.

Rico's parents decided we should go out for supper, to a damn restaurant. Honest to God, this is the only time in the four years I have known them where they wanted to go out for supper as a "family".  Are you fucking kidding me?! I tried desperately to get out of it. I pulled out every excuse in the book.

I have to be in bed by 8:00...
I hate restaurants...
No they serve gross food there...
Well, shouldn't Rico be with us ...?
I'm not hungry, I had pizza for lunch...

The list goes on and on. Rico's dad told me to stop being so shy... if he only knew. Needless to say, they took me to George's. I had a few bites of a salad and just like that, the fast ended. Why they chose today, of all days, I have no clue. I am mad. So very angry!

Funny story though! While we were at the restaurant there were two obese women sitting behind me. When they got up to leave Rico's dad blurted out, "Holy fuck! I hope they're not taking the same vehicle!" As they walked by he bounced in his seat. hahahaha .... that made my night :'D

Rico's mom was talking about how this one guy at her work is horrible at spelling.
 "He writes everything as it sounds. Like wheel, he spells it W-E-E-L. There are some alphabets missing in there!" 
Me, "Alphabets?" 
Rico's mom, "Yea! He missed the H!" She laughed so hard her eyes were watering. 
Me, "Um, I think you meant letters. He missed some letters, not alphabets, you 'tard." 
Aww I love her and silly old people who think something is hilarious when it isn't lol. So I guess today was a good and bad day. Glad I got to spend some time with his parents but super pissed that they chose to go out for supper. I don't understand why people insist on ruining my fast. I give the fuck up! I'll try doing a 30 day water fast again some time but obviously now just isn't the time. This is the third time I've failed in a row. How sad!  >:(



January 25, 2011

Day 1

22 hours into my water fast... I should really drink more water. I've only had about one cup today. I went to bed at 2:30 AM and woke up at 3:30 PM. I wish I could sleep through the first three days. They're always the hardest for me.

When Rico left for work today I was very sad. I head back to work tomorrow so we aren't going to see each other for four days! I'm going to miss him dearly. I'm not a fan of change and this is a big change. I am not used to being alone. It's nice from time-to-time but, for the past four years, he's been by my side everyday. I do believe that this is a positive change though! I'm just going to have to suck it up. Besides, it makes fasting a million times easier :)

Rico's parents cooked supper tonight. I was thinking of just passing but I decided to grab myself a plate. When I got to my bedroom I instantly threw it in the garbage, waited a few minutes, then brought it back into the kitchen. "Thanks, that was so good!" I said with a smile then headed back to my bedroom. That was easy...

It was gorgeous out today! The sun was shining and the snow was melting. It got me thinking about summer. As of now, I am not "bikini ready". I desperately want to look killer this summer so I've decided that I'm going to create a "get your ass in gear for summer" challenge for myself. It's going to involve a lot of restricting and exercise. I have 29 days to come up with the details but I will be sure to share them with you all. :)

Happy today in my own little world but am not excited to go back to work. Hopefully these next four days will soar by.

Let the challenge begin!

I am starting my 30 day water fast today. I'm not too confident in myself but hopefully I will be able to complete it! I will be sure to update on a daily bases.

These past few days have been difficult for me. I'm not too sure why I kept binging like a complete fool. Half of the time, I wasn't even hungry. The thought of what it would taste like made me cave, I suppose. Hopefully this fast will be just what I need! One of my goals is to reach 110 lbs by February 1st. So, that gives me seven days to drop four pounds. I think I can do it!


Start: January 25 -- 114 lbs
End: February 23


Rules:
  • Water only - duh!
  • Weigh-in only once a week.
Measurements:
  • Neck: 12.7 in 
  • Arms: 11 in
  • Wrist: 5.6 in
  • Chest: 33.5 in
  • Waist: 26 in
  • Hips: 31 in
  • Butt: 34.5 in
  • Thighs: 19 in
  • Calves: 12.2 in



 Wish me luck..

January 24, 2011

Skin and Bones

So low.

Two mini pizzas. Four pirogies. Half a bag of dill pickle chips. One bun smothered in spinach dip. Two hand fulls of cheesies. A small piece of apple pie. Half of a chocolate chip muffin. An hour filled with anger, guilt and disgust.

I went to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and tried to purge. I just couldn't do it. I broke down and started crying. Banged my head off the toilet seat and just sat there asking myself why.

Why did I eat ..? 
Why am I so weak ..? 
Why couldn't I just stop ..?  
Why cant I control myself ..?

Failure. Pathetic. Disgusting. Pig. 

I started thinking about Rico. He's strong. I think he has an eating disorder. He's way thinner than I am. He barely ever eats and sometimes I can hear him gagging in the bathroom. But I'm not sure. I never see him binge. When I binge, I inhale everything until I'm left in agony. Too weak to dispose of it.

I hate myself so much right now. I want to rip out of my skin. I gained weight and it will probably keep going up because of my actions. There is hope though! Rico just left for work...



January 23, 2011

Binge.

A McChicken burger. Half of a large McDonalds french fries. Half a bag of cheesies. Twelve chocolate chip cookies. Two pieces of pie. Two pizza pops. Three handfuls of dill pickle chips. A piece of this random chocolate desert Rico's mom made. No exercise.

That binge occured lastnight. A fun-filled pig fest that has left me feeling like shit. I'm still so bloated. All I wanted to do was run to the bathroom and get rid of it all. I sat in agony trying to come up with a plan to dispose of it but I had no success.

The bathroom is located right beside Rico's parents room. They had just gone to bed and would've been able to hear me. I wish we lived in our own place. Surely then I would've been able to.

It's 11:41 AM and I've spent the entire morning feeling guilty. I must burn off all that asap. I'm too scared to weigh myself. I have no idea how many calories I had. Oh dear. Look what I've done! I bet I gained five pounds. I can feel it.  :(


January 22, 2011

Busy day filled with joy!

I took Rico out and bought him a bunch of welding equipment for his apprenticeship. He starts work tomorrow and we are all very excited! I am just hoping that it all works out. He has the worst luck. Hopefully that will change though!! He's been so depressed. We both lost all hopes of him finding a place to apprentice him. This is just too good for words.

I've already started to see a huge difference in him. It's like now that he has a job, he has a point to live. He told me all this wonderful stuff that he wants out of this. How he's going to pay off his debt and we will find a house in town. We want a big backyard for our dog and we'll need a car too. He told me that in four years we can start a family of our own. I think he really loves me. I've always felt bad for him because his ex took everything. What a bitch.

I'm hurt that he doesn't trust me though. I don't deserve his trust. We had a date night. We played poker and cards then watched a movie. It was so nice. He made me feel so loved. When we were playing cards he said I was a cheater, lol, because I kept winning. Somehow that comment led onto a topic about the past. How when we started dating I went and seen my ex. How I've cheated on other people in the past.

I was a horrible person back then but I've really changed. If I could go back in time I would. I would've never went to my ex's house. I would've never broke Rico's trust.

January 21, 2011

Paranoid.

I feel really bad. I don't know what's wrong. I'm sitting at work and I'm not too sure if I'm sad, afraid, embarrassed or disappointed in myself.

The computer tech came in to fix our computer. I was sitting on hold when he came in. He looked at me and asked if I was ordering pizza then let out a chuckle. I just smiled and said no.

It took him a while to set up the computer. In the meantime, I was sitting quietly thinking about all the sites I've gone to. Lots of thinspo, videos and support sites. I know I'm not supposed to view these sites with the work computer but I do anyway because I am selfish.

I think he knows. PrettyThin and other sites I go to have been blocked. I'm pretty sure he's the one who blocked them. The first time he ever said something still haunts me.

"Girl, you need to eat."

I don't know this man but for some reason I'm very bothered. He's somehow managed to make me feel really bad. He's never said anything mean and is actually quite a nice person. Maybe the fact that he knows just scares me. I don't need him to tell anyone. I'm fine just the way I am. I would be grateful if he didn't say a word. This is my life and it doesn't effect him or anyone else at my work.

A part of me just wants to come clean. Spill my guts and explain everything in the hopes that they'd begin to understand me a little more. But I won't, I can't. They'll never understand. I wonder what he thinks of me. It's probably nothing but bad. I don't even think I resemble someone who has an eating disorder. I'm so fat especially in my arms and stomach. He probably thinks I'm a liar. Well, I guess I am a liar. He probably thinks I'm a bitch, if he's ever read anything I've said. Then again, I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe he has no idea. I find that hard to believe though. I shouldn't have gone on my sites with the work computer. I'm so stupid! I really don't care if he knows though. I just care if he spreads the word. He probably told my supervisor. She makes comments about my weight all the time. But like I said, I'm fat. No one would believe him, right? Even if they did, what does it matter?

My life.
My choice.



sugar-free Red Bull (28 cal)

January 20, 2011

He got the job!!

Rico got a welding apprenticeship! He's been looking for a company to apprentice him for seven years now! I am so, soo happy!! :)

He will be working a lot so that means I will be able to fast for longer periods with higher chances of succeeding. We will triple our income and will finally be able to move! This is just so great. I really hope it's not too good to be true. He starts work on Monday so I'm going to start a water fast then. I am going to aim for 30 days :) YayYayYay

So my work had these nursing students who went around and took everyones blood pressure. Mine is 106/60.. good to know? I joked around and asked my supervisor if her blood pressure was through the roof, you know, because of stress. When I told her mine she said I need to eat more and laughed. Yea, you have to love comments like that. Anyway, when the nursing student went to take off the pressure thing they wrap around your arm, my arm fucking jiggled!!! It jiggled like jell-o. It was fucking sick and embarrassing. I am not hungry at all after having that happen. I am a gross pig.

I decided to go to this website to do this test the nursing students said I should do. Here are what the results say:
"Your waist measurements suggest you don't carry excess weight around your waist."
Lie.
"Based on your responses, your BMI is 18.1. You fall into the BMI range of underweight. You may want to consult a healthcare provider."
I'm in the "underweight" range? Sure doesn't feel like it.

... I really don't have much else to say so here's some thinspo!












I'm a huge Megan Fox fan.

Everything about her screams perfection.
Hair. Eyes. Eyebrows. Lips. Teeth. Body - fuck yes, her body is amazing. Have you seen those legs? And her flat tummy to.die.for. If it were possible to swap bodies with someone I would swap with her. In a heartbeat.

When I got to work this morning, my coworker and I got into a heated discussion about the fabulous Megan Fox. I went on saying that she is so beautiful and I loved her in Jennifer's Body. I'm sad that she wont be in the new transformers movie! Man, have you seen the previews for that? I am so disappointed. They're doing a prequel.

Anyway, apparently my coworker thinks she is the worst celebrity on the face of this planet. He was saying so much rude shit. And that's okay, he's entitled to his own opinions. However, the following statement just pissed me off...
"She's a dumb, stunned, cunt. I was watching this show. They had an interview with her and asked her how she slimmed up for her role and you know what she said?! That she doesn't know what it's called but she just stopped eating. Ugh... are you retarded?! That's fucked. Um hello Megan! It's called anorexia! I don't know why anyone would do that. She must have something wrong with her head. She's so fucking dumb." 
Normally I wouldn't care what he said but that just pissed me off. I defended her - thats a first. Defending a celebrity? Maybe I really am insane, lmao. I said that she was probably fasting. Fasting is okay, people do it all the time. And not to mention the fact that celebrities have so much pressure to be a certain way. Their either too fat or too thin. There is never an in-between.

I don't think Megan Fox is anorexic or has any form of eating disorder but seeing as I do, I took extreme offence to his statement. If he's calling her dumb then he's calling me, and all of you, dumb as well. I know I am not dumb. I know what I am doing to my body. I dedicate every waking moment to my disease so yes, I am wiser on this topic. Thank you very much, asshole :)