January 24, 2011

So low.

Two mini pizzas. Four pirogies. Half a bag of dill pickle chips. One bun smothered in spinach dip. Two hand fulls of cheesies. A small piece of apple pie. Half of a chocolate chip muffin. An hour filled with anger, guilt and disgust.

I went to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and tried to purge. I just couldn't do it. I broke down and started crying. Banged my head off the toilet seat and just sat there asking myself why.

Why did I eat ..? 
Why am I so weak ..? 
Why couldn't I just stop ..?  
Why cant I control myself ..?

Failure. Pathetic. Disgusting. Pig. 

I started thinking about Rico. He's strong. I think he has an eating disorder. He's way thinner than I am. He barely ever eats and sometimes I can hear him gagging in the bathroom. But I'm not sure. I never see him binge. When I binge, I inhale everything until I'm left in agony. Too weak to dispose of it.

I hate myself so much right now. I want to rip out of my skin. I gained weight and it will probably keep going up because of my actions. There is hope though! Rico just left for work...