The Versatile Blogger Award

• Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
• Share seven things about yourself.
• Bestow this honor on to ten newly discovered or followed Bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
• Drop by and let your ten new friends know your admiration.

Thank you Tracy!! :)

1. I live in Canada and have never left the province I was born in. I want to travel somewhere warm! It would be wonderful to see the ocean and walk on white sand. I would love to go to Rome, Germany, Ireland, Australia - and more places I just can't think of right now. I love Canada though. I watch other countries suffer in poverty and feel so lucky to live where I do. I also feel blessed to have the opportunity to experience all four seasons (even though I only like summer :P )
   
   
2. I have two brothers and two sisters but I only get along with my younger sister. I didn't meet my one brother until I was 14 and I still haven't met my other brother. My older sister changed, "grew up" and went off to get married at a young age. She is only a year older than me. We used to be best friends 'twins' but now we are two completely different people and don't get along.
   
   
3. I love animals; big or small. They are so much easier to love than humans. No head games, they either like you or they don't. I have five animals at the moment :)
   
   
4. I have always had this dream of becoming a model. I know it's a silly dream because it will never happen. I'm only 5'6" tall and am no where near thin enough. But anyway... I used to, and sometimes still do, hold little photo shoots in my home or in my backyard. I would dress up all pretty; nice makeup, hair, clothing and would take photos of myself. I would then edit them to look "professional"  .. lol.
   
   
5. You may or may not have already noticed but I never follow through with my plans. I have a problem with things needing to be perfect and when something goes wrong I give up. I think I write too many lists and expect for things to go perfect - according to plan - but I always pick myself up and I suppose that's the only thing that matters ;)
   
   
6. I know a lot of people with eating disorders say that they hate food but I love it. I love sweets. Chocolate is my biggest weakness. That and turkey fried rice. Oh my god. I love baking but I hate cooking. I am SO bad at cooking it's not even funny. I have lit fires and made people gag haha
   
   
7. I love my blog but I hate it at the same time. I think I share too much and often think that my posts come off ignorant or depressing. I am planning on giving my blog a 'face lift'. I guess this has to do with the fact that I am always changing things. Nothing is ever good enough and it drives me up the wall.
   

I nominate...

Within ED

Sick B*tch

Get Steady

Chubby Bunny

A Will Is The Way

Fighting To Be Me

Ana, Are You There?

Forget To Remember Me

My Peanut Butter's Tachy

The 'Stereo-Typical' Girl With An Ed

:)

Well, That Was (Sort Of) Worth It

I have spent the past ten days on a mini 'vacation from reality'. I didn't talk to anyone except for Rico and his parents. I slept many hours, cleaned the house top-to-bottom, organized everything in my home, and spent a lot of time with my animals.

I was pretty active with cleaning but I did spend a lot of time lounging around. I did not make any lists or even exercise. I didn't even take care of myself. It might be gross but I have been in the same pajamas since day one. I did take baths but I didn't wear makeup or do my hair. No nail trimming and painting. I didn't even pluck my eyebrows. My weight was still in the back of my mind but I ate. Not a lot but I did eat supper almost every night, plus a few sweets.

I am scared to weigh myself. I was 108 pounds just ten days ago but I have a very bad feeling that I have gained weight. Just yesterday, I went on a binge. It was really bad. I ate so much! When I looked in the mirror and saw my disgusting stomach (which looked pregnant by the way) I snapped back into reality. What the hell was I doing?!

This isolation from the world was good for me. I got a lot of stuff done around the house that I had been wanting to do for months but due to my work schedule and depression I never found the time to do it. I am also really happy that I have been spending more time with my animals. My dog is getting pretty old and I feel bad for neglecting not only her but my other two animals.

I think my 'break from the world' was caused by other people. I got so sick and tired of trying to please everyone. No matter what I do, no one is ever happy with me or my efforts. I got tired of drama between people I once called "friends" and my family. And so overwhelmed with worrying about what people were thinking.

I have always been this way so I doubt anything has changed but I do feel more content. Anyway! I'm back now and hopefully I will not need another 'vacation' for a long time. I missed my blog terribly. There was so much running through my mind.

    

I apologize

I really haven't been in the mood to post. I need to take a break from life... focus on myself for a while.

Fired

Dear Koala,

Due to ongoing performance issues, your employment with (company) was terminated effective today...

Performance issues? I have bent over backwards for this company. I filled in so many shifts, I always showed up on time, I only had four sick days through the 18 months I was employed (two of which were funerals), I helped my co-workers, I took on tasks that weren't part of my job, I double checked all my work, I was always trying to find ways to improve. Prior to my warnings, I wanted to learn everything there was to know about the company. I wanted to know my job inside and out. I had dreams and goals.

Even though I was unhappy, I took pride in my work. That is why I never quit. A part of me thought I could prove myself to them. I didn't want to give up because I was holding onto hope. The thing that made me unhappy were all the warnings. Rather than talking to me about the mistakes I was making they would write me up. I'm not saying that I was the best employee because I know I made mistakes. Some of those warnings I may have deserved but I do feel like there was serious lack of communication.

By reviewing all my warnings I can see that I was being bullied by my supervisor and the company didn't trust me because of my father. I find it very odd that the warnings started only 13 days after my father got fired.

When they told me I was fired, I felt nothing. Not angry nor sad. I've seen this moment slowly approaching since I found out my father was suing them. I knew they would get rid of me. It seems weird but I'm overjoyed to be out of that environment. It was making me so depressed. I learned so much from working there and for that I am grateful.

I look at this as though another chapter in my life has ended and it couldn't have came at a better time. It's a part of my journey.

Two red bulls = 424

Calories burned through exercise = approx. 127

Warning! Warning! Warning!

I told you that I would share all the warnings I have received from work. First, here is a little recap on what happened prior to my warnings.

My father filed a lawsuit because there were high levels of H2S in his body due to the company not turning on the ventilation fans. The company ended up getting fined and were forced to turn the fan on. On June 1, 2010 he got fired "just cause" and again, filed another lawsuit for several things. My father is still in the process of suing the company. His lawyer says he has a really good chance of winning because the company broke so many laws. 

The first verbal warning I got is dated for June 14, 2010 - I received it on November 12, 2010. It states...

"On June 14th Koala called her supervisor to inform her that her boyfriend had a death in the family, an aunt had passed away. At that time her supervisor told her she would look into if she could have the time off as she was not sure the process for a non family member and that her supervisor would get back to her. Koala went ahead and called the department manager.

Koala violated the chain of command by over stepping her supervisor and going directly to the department manager."

First, I don't EVER remember calling my manager. I was working nights at the time and had sent an email to my co-worker asking if he would be able to cover for me because this is what I was trained to do. Second, I don't think she was titled my supervisor at this point in time because, after my previous supervisor quit, no one was made aware of who our supervisor was.

The second verbal warning I got is dated for September 22, 2010 - I received it on November 12, 2010. It states...

"In the shift report for Sep 22, 2010 Koala had indicated that the fleet sheets are being filled out but her co-workers were not entering it into the system. Koala goes on to tell her co-workers if this is something that needs to be done. 

Koala violated chain of command. Stuff like this could be put into the shift report but in a different manner then brought the issue forth to her supervisor.

Koala is to bring all issues to her direct supervisor who will deal with the issue. If the direct supervisor can not get the situation resolved then the supervisor will bring the issue to the department manager, at which the manager will handle the concerns."

When I got hired I was trained to share information that went on during my shift with everyone so we could work together at bettering our devision. Everyone used to send out emails like this to remind each other what to do. I saw no harm in it, I was polite. After I received this warning, I brought the issue we were having with the fleet up with my supervisor several times. It has yet to be resolved.

The first written warning I got is dated for October 14, 2010 - I received it on November 17, 2010. It states...

"On Oct 8, 2010 Koala sent an email to all co-workers and Cc'd two managers on an issue. The email was directed to (one of the managers). She said that she was unable to contact him on his cell. Koala called me on my cell phone that day and I let her know that he was on days off and that dispatch would be the contact but to confirm that with them.

Koala violated the chain of command again by going above both her supervisor and her department manager after being told verbally during a staff meeting that any issues are to be brought to her supervisors attention as well by another disciplinary verbal document given to her. Koala is not to contact another manager.

Koala is to bring all issues she is having to her direct supervisor who will deal with the issue at hand. If the direct supervisor can not get the situation resolved then the supervisor will bring the issue to the department manager and have him handle the concerns.

Further disciplinary process or termination will occur if above is breached again." 

Again, I was trained to share information that went on during my shift with everyone so we could work together. What had happened this day;  I had a customer wishing to speak with said manager. The system said he was on call. I called the number listed and there was no answer. I tried his cell phone but some guy answered saying that I had the wrong number. The customer I had on hold hung up because I was taking too long to transfer him. I had no idea how to get a hold of this manager and was never informed of his holidays. I felt like I needed to make everyone aware of the situation because it was not my fault. One big issue I have with this warning is that it states "...as well by another disciplinary verbal document given to her." Obviously I was never given, nor made aware of, this document at the time because I received it on the same day I received this warning.

The second written warning I got is dated for January 5, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states...

"On Jan 3, 2011 Koala was asked to book an accommodation in (town) at the (hotel name) for 2 Medics by (person who asked me to book it). Koala booked the accommodation but not at the (hotel name) but rather in (different town) at the (different hotel name). 

Koala violated an order given to her by a department supervisor. It has been told to Koala in the past that if asked to book a hotel at a specific hotel by a supervisor she is to do so, not go by the accommodations spreadsheet that is used. The (hotel name) was to be used as (client's company name) was conducting there orientation there.

Night shift was able to cancel the room with out any cost to the company and a booking was able to be done at (hotel name). If there would have not been any rooms available at the hotel requested this could have cost a lot of unnecessary distress on all parties involved.

Koala needs to concentrate more and be aware to details in her job. She is being placed on a 3 months probation for not following directions and if any further accommodations are not done as asked termination will result."

 Okay first of all, how do they know that said supervisor hadn't asked me to book an accommodation in a different hotel? He was a new employee at the time. Maybe he was the one that fucked up, not me. I have proof that I did in fact book this accommodation in the town requested, it was just in a different hotel. Also, Night shift did cancel this room, however there was no further documentation that a new accommodation was booked. 

The third written warning I got is dated for January 5, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states...

"On Jan 3, 2011 it was observed that (employee name) was not in the system for her trip from (town to town). She had left the shop at 07:00 hrs at which time she states that she checked in. She checked in every two hours from that point on. When she arrived to her destination she was in convoy with (2nd employee name) till they reached (town name). (2nd employee name) was put in but again (employee name) was not.

As per procedure, it is mandatory that all personal who are traveling are to be put into the system and monitored throughout their trip. If a person forgets to add them in, on the next check in they are to add them with a note as to when they started. 

This is not the first time this has happened on Koala's shift. There are other incidents documented to show her errors. Being the time of year with bad road conditions it is crucial that no one is left out of journey management. It is the responsibility of the operator to make sure that all information has been inputted.

With having mistakes again in this area after having been given verbals in the past, I feel that it is necessary for Koala to be put on a 3 month probational period and any further mistakes will result in termination."

I have all the records about this trip. I don't understand how I could have possibly missed entering her into the system if she was checking in every two hours. Her trip was 9.5 hours long. There is no way I would have missed that. Also, when night shift entered her into the system, it was 17 minutes before she arrived at her destination. Not to mention the fact that night shift had booked an accommodation for her right after she had called. How do they know that this lady didn't call? How do they know it was my fault? I also find it awfully weird that the second employee traveling in convoy checked in during night shift at 18:57, 20:58, 22:09, 22:46, and 23:16. If they were traveling together, they should have been checking in at the same times. My shift ends at 18:30 which means night shift must have forgot to add her in the system as well, right? (or she never fucking called in the first place!)

The fourth written warning I got is dated for January 10, 2011 - I received it on January 13, 2011. It states... 

 "On Jan 10, 2011 it was observed that information put into the journey management system was not correct. Employee had put in the wrong driver for working alone.

As per department procedure it is the responsibility of the employee working to have all information in the system correct.

(company) is wanting to take on outside companies for monitoring of journey management. With mistakes happening this will not occur. (company) strives to excellence in all aspects of business.

Employee has been given three written's and any further neglect to employee's job termination will result."

I am human aren't I? Everyone makes mistakes. Almost every day I would come into work there would be a mistake I needed to fix from the person on night shift. Also, what procedure are they talking about? There are few procedures written for my department. If there are others I do not know where they are located. Also, I was never given an employee handbook. 

The fifth written warning I got is dated for March 1, 2011 - I received it on March 1, 2011. It states...

"After pulling the phone logs to check busy times it has been observed that non work phone calls have been occurring. The duration of the calls has been between 7 to 30 min. This has been observed from Nov 2010 to Feb 2011. All call sheets are attached. 

(a copy of one of the companies procedures)

When you arrive at work, it is expected that you will be conducting only work related business and that all calls will be on a timely manner no matter who your dealing with. There will be no more personal calls during working hours of 06:30 to 18:30. The use of cell phones are not to be used except in the case of an emergency (death or injury)

Failure to perform your job and follow procedures will result in instant termination."

This one is actually legit. Yes.. I made personal calls at work. However, my supervisor had no problems with this before. She actually used to answer calls for me while I took a personal call. I used to always tell her not too because I could place whoever I was speaking with on hold and do my job because my job comes first. Because I kept placing my personal calls on hold, they were a bit longer than usual. Another thing, why is this only directed towards me? Everyone uses their cell phones. My supervisor receives countless phone calls from her sister and mom.  Why does night shift get treated differently? "...during working hours of 06:30 to 18:30." I still don't think I should have received a written about this when I was misinformed. One minute my supervisor is telling me to do something or saying that something is okay and then the next thing I know I get written up for it. 

2011 Checklist.

...I will be editing this a lot because life is crazy and things change all the time. 

Jan. 31 - 114 lbs

Feb. 28 - 113 lbs

Mar. 31 ... 105?

95 lbs by July 20th.

...maintain or lose more.

Life:
Keep my job for another year. Get a good job; better wage, 8 hour shifts, Mon-Fri. Be professional at work; keep a journal, dress and smell nice, always on time, never miss work (unless death, illness, poor weather), be friendly to everyone and seem happy. Socialize more; make friends. Manage money better; save $6 000. Get drivers license. Have 1 "date night" per month with Rico. Own more vintage items. Create and follow a workout routine. Create and follow a cleaning schedule. Be a better girlfriend. Fix my credit and pay off Rico's debt. Be a better sister. Get a new style; hair, clothing, etc. Find my man a job; apprenticeship? Move!

Self:
90 - 95 lbs. Blonde hair. Clear, soft skin. Be well-groomed, everyday. Find happiness. Stop complaining. Sound smarter.

Wants:
Tan. Laptop. New cell phone. Car. Find new music; put on iPod. Learn how to cook. Learn how to sew; make my own clothing. Draw more often; learn how to draw realistic people. Learn how to bake. Post on my blog everyday; starting March 29 (updates don't count).

Feeling fat.

I'm in a depressing mood today. Rico goes back to work tonight, I go back tomorrow. I'm scared to show my lovely yellow locks to the world. That guy I was telling you about, well our friendship has gotten weird. I don't think he likes speaking with me anymore... oh well. My sister is acting like a retard. She pretty much said that I'm disgusting and a horrible person for smoking. I'm so fat. I caved and weighed myself, still 110 but I feel so much bigger.

I ate some things I wasn't supposed to today. Four cookies and some pop corn. Yuck, pop corn?! I don't know why but I thought food would comfort me but it just made me sick and now I'm worried that I will gain weight. I feel so lonely. I went on my Facebook and deleted a bunch of people. I'm wondering if I should just delete my account.

When I was fooling around with my webcam earlier I noticed that my hair looks so much better on there. I cannot wait until I can bleach it again. I thought it would be a good idea to record what my body looks like. If you ever want to feel even worse about yourself, I suggest doing this. I look disgusting. Especially my hips!! They're so gross and it always looks like I have love-handles :(  

Most of my clothes are far too big and now that I'm going to try to stop wearing the baggy clothes I need to go through my wardrobe and see what fits. I don't know if I can do it though. I like clothing that hides my figure. I don't want anyone to see the rolls.


Here is a picture of my hair after being bleached once. I'm going from medium/dark brown to blonde...

...it looks more yellow/orange in person and really doesn't look good with my skin tone.

I'll Keep Hiding

Going back to my previous post...

I was thinking about how I would react if he asked me if I have an eating disorder.

Yes I starve myself. At times I will make myself vomit. I hate doing it but it's the only thing I can control. I hate myself, my life, and the world. I know you will never understand and you probably think I am a moron. Some stupid bitch obsessed with being thin. It goes much deeper than that though and I wish you could understand. 

Now that I've spent time to think about it, there is no way I could tell him. He knows my father and sister. Not only that but when we were talking that one time he made me realize that he has absolutely no idea what this is all about. He would be the worst person to tell. He would probably try to get me help or say something hurtful and be way too judgmental. It would probably ruin our friendship and that is something I don't want. I am done throwing hints his way. I don't know what I was thinking.

Rico and I just got back from the store. We bought some scratch and wins (didn't win anything - what a surprise lol) I grabbed a penny and started scratching away. Rico's mom looked at me and said "You need to get some meat on your bones" I laughed. "Look how tiny your hands and wrists are!" she said. I smiled at the wonderful compliment. A grin I couldn't hold back. I made a joke of it. Saying that every woman has small hands and wrists. I got her to examine herself then told her that she also needs to keep in mind that I am "small boned".

All of Rico's mom's comments about my weight are starting to bother me. They are wonderful compliments and motivation but I wonder what she thinks. That might be why she has been cooking supper every night. Maybe she's trying to fatten me up. I wonder if she's worried... I don't want her to be.

I started thinking about summer again and how I hope I am 95 lbs in June (or, at the very latest, my birthday in July!) so I can go shopping and look great in a brand new bikini. Thoughts of Rico's parents popped in my head. I have lost 28 lbs since I last wore a bathing suit. I wonder how they will react when they see me in one this year. Maybe I should stop hiding my body. Maybe my weight loss is too noticeable when I go weeks hiding under a baggy hoody then one day walk around in a t-shirt. It's just so damn uncomfortable knowing that people can see my rolls hanging out but, I guess if Rico's mom is making comments, I must be getting smaller.


Time to ditch the over-sized hoodies, winter jackets and baggy pants. Time to wear things that somewhat fit. If they're too big, I can always wear a belt. No more hiding my body! Summer is coming, I have 15 lbs to lose, and I do not need anyone telling me I am "too thin" or that I "need to eat". I don't want anyone to force me to do anything. I am a grown woman and can make my own decisions.

You might wonder why I am never worried about Rico finding out. To be honest, I am. I don't want him to know. The reason why I don't get so paranoid with him is because he makes jokes about me being fat all the time. I don't know if he's ever serious but I assume he is. It's great motivation. I can't recall if I ever told you this but I think he has an eating disorder. I just cant put my finger on it. He is so thin, way thinner than me. I've been watching his food habits and I notice that he goes to the bathroom often after he has eaten. Most of his food is fed to the dogs and the majority of the time he doesn't even eat. He has horrible teeth and has no energy. But again, I'm not too sure. This is something I need to keep watching. I don't think I would ever come out and tell him unless he told me he had an eating disorder first. For now, he motivates me and for that I am very grateful.

On another note, I just found the greatest cigarettes in the world :)

Nothing Interesting

Well, I broke my fast today and I'm not sure how many calories I had. I had to eat supper. I didn't eat much of it though so hopefully I wont gain any weight!! I'm starting over again at midnight but I'm not too sure if I should do a fast, diet or detox. I want to get down to 100 lbs by April 23.

I bleached my hair today. I'm not too sure if I like the end result. It looks more yellow than anything. I know this is one of the steps it takes when going brown to blonde but it looks a little weird to me. It reminds me of lady gaga's hair lol. I'm just happy it's not orange.

Remember that guy I was telling you about? Okay well we were talking about weight again today. He called me a chubby chaser (so far from true it's not even funny). We got into an argument and I said, without even thinking, "So I'm 5'6 and 110 lbs." Then said that size doesn't matter which is true when it comes to what we were talking about (friendship). I have many friends who are over weight and I still love them. Anyway... I wonder if he remembers that the last time we spoke about weight I said I was 114 lbs.... ya, sadly I still want him to know.

I don't have much more to talk about right now. I'll probably be on later though. Rico isn't working and I'm going to spend the night with him - a night of me playing on the computer and him playing xbox ahaha but ehh it's the thought that counts.


   I wish my hair looked like this rather than yellow...

Supper, I hate you.

Lately Rico's parents insist on cooking supper every night. I've been able to get away with not eating on the days I work but now that I'm on my days off it's hard. Especially when there is no where for me to hide.

Usually I will grab a plate of food and go into my bedroom. I will throw it in the garbage and bring the empty plate back into the kitchen. My perfect way to dispose of it. If I have to eat in the house I will usually feed most of my food to the dogs. However, I am fasting right now which means I cannot have anything.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop while my plate of food sits on the living room table. Rico's father is sitting in his chair eating. His mother is eating at the kitchen table. I'm hoping I can just leave it to cool down and when they ask me why I'm not eating, I can use the teeth whiting thing as an excuse. It says not to have anything that will stain your teeth.

Update: Never mind. I just stuffed the food into the couch. I'll clean it up once his parents go to sleep. Gosh, I feel like such a child hiding my food. 

Beauty

I haven't felt attractive in a very long time. It goes much deeper than weight issues. I hate who I am and I need to change.

With summer coming, I thought it would be a great idea to lighten my hair. I went out and bought bleach / toner. I have gone strawberry blonde in the past and Rico seemed to be much more attracted to me. He says I seemed happier. I know it's crazy to think a change in my style would make me happier but I guess if that's what he thinks, I'll do it. I wasn't a fan of strawberry blonde though. I think it looked horrible with the pink tones in my skin. I'm hoping to reach a nice honey / golden blonde this time. 

I'm still debating on what I will do with my eyebrows. What do you think? Does it look funny when a girl has black / dark brown eyebrows with blonde hair?

With a mixture of my smoking and occasional purging, my teeth have become quite yellow. They look disgusting. I bought this 1 hour whitening system. It's supposed to last for 10 - 20 applications. Hopefully this product will help! Also, I really need to figure out what to do about my breath. We all know how bad our breath can get from the starvation.

My skin has been clearing up lately. I've been drinking a lot of water to help hydrate my skin and I've stopped drying my face with a towel. I just let it air dry. I exfoliate my face every night with a soft bristle skin brush and steam clean my pores once a week. I also stopped touching my face and I make sure to wash it twice a day. It might seem crazy but I swear the towels were the root of my acne.  

I still want a whole new wardrobe but I refuse to go shopping until I reach 95 lbs. When summer comes, I want a tan. Just something to make me look a little healthier.

Sometimes I wish I had someone I could tell about my eating disorder. I feel so lonely. I have a great texting buddy though. Her and I seem to think a lot alike and I appreciate having someone there for me... even if we've never met in person. 

I have been on a fast for three days now. I'm just switching back and fourth from a water fast to a zero calorie fast. I'm hoping that I will be at 105 lbs by Thursday :)

CW: 110 lbs

Really? ...I think my scale is broken.

I weighed myself at least 30 times today. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see a lower number but I'm having a hard time believing that I am 110 pounds.

I spent most of the day at the hospital. Rico got a piece of metal stuck in his eye. They had to drill it out. My friend and her fiancée had a beautiful baby boy. He didn't live. I wish there was something I could do, I feel so bad for my friends.

Life is crazy, isn't it? You never know what's going to happen.

Edith Backlund - Skinny

I Need A Change.

If I had it my way, I would have the money to get a new wardrobe, accessories and all. My style is so boring and I'm tired of it. I want a completely new look. Something more edgy. I want people to look at me and think, "wow she's gorgeous." I want people to constantly comment and compliment. I want to be unique.

I want to start learning how to do my makeup better. I've always had trouble blending my eyeshadow and I don't think I'm using the proper foundation for my skin.  I also want fun hair. Long and not my natural color. Maybe blonde with pink or something like that. My hairdresser has the nicest hair right now. It's a deep purple but it looks so good! I think purple would look good on me because purple brings out green eyes.

I'm a fan of styles like rockabilly and scene. I'd love to get more tattoos and piercings. I only have a tongue ring right now and one tattoo. I want my lip, eyebrow, nose, and belly button done. I have so many ideas for tattoos it's not even funny. I wish I was talented enough to be a tattoo artist. That would be
an amazing job!

The only problem is... I don't think I have the personality to pull off a look like that. I'm more reserved; quiet and socially awkward. I want to be outgoing and bubbly. I want to be one of those girls everyone loves. Funny, smart, and fun to be around.

Boring Day

I felt very ill most of the day. Rico and I talked about that girl. I think things are a little bit better now but I am still hurt. I was so upset last night I only got one hour of sleep. Now it's 11:57 PM and I still cannot sleep. No matter how tired I am or how much my body aches I just cannot fall asleep. Insomnia, I hate you.

I had to attend a meeting at work today. There was food... I ate a slice of pizza. Calorie content? Fuck if I know. I also had a Red Bull (212) and when it was half gone, I decided to chow down on a piece of French toast. I feel fat. I've felt huge all day. I can feel the rolls when I move. So why did I eat? Well the pizza was one of those things I had to do. They're already suspicious about my weight anyway, no need to give them more reasons to worry. The red bull? I was thirsty. Poor excuse, I know. The French toast? Well, I randomly decided that tomorrow I am going to start another Red Bull fast. No rules this time. I tend to break them anyway.  

The store where I live STILL doesn't carry sugar free Red Bulls. I should make a complaint, haha.

Reality check: YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I caught Rico chatting it up with some skank over the internet. I knew he had been going to this one site for many months and had no problem with it. There are a bunch of sluts showing off their bodies. One even shoved twizzlers up her woohoo...

This is personal but I could give two shits right now. I have caught Rico masturbating while / after chatting with these girls online. At first, I giggled about it and thought I'd let him have his fun. He is the type of guy that denies ever having touched himself in a naughty way. The other night I woke up to him jacking off on the bed beside me, on cam, with some chick!! I felt nauseous and I don't even think he knows I saw. He leaped off the bed, lifted up the laptop, let out a little chuckle as he typed something then put the laptop away. He acted completely normal.

I didn't speak. I didn't want to overreact and have a huge fight. I stayed calm and started cleaning the room. He asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. About an hour later I came into the room and asked him what had happened. Who was he speaking with that turned him on so much he had to please himself? He blew it off saying he didn't do anything. What was I talking about? Apparently he was just bored so he went on this site, got a little turned on and was going to wake me up for sex right before I woke up. I know he's lying.

It's been two days since that incident. Today I went through the history and, luckily for me, that site keeps track of the history as well. I went through and saw this one slut he's been talking to for eight months. He doesn't seem to talk too dirty but what offends me the most is all the sweet things he says. I am so insulted right now. I want to take the webcams and smash them. That is so gross.

Talking one-on-one with a chick, revealing his body to her as she reveals her body to him, and saying sweet things that he would NEVER say to me really fucking hurts! What do I need to do to make him love me?! I want him to look at me and see perfection. A "cutie pie" (as he called her), with a gorgeous smile and amazing butt.

Rico, I am sorry you think so low of me. You spend hours upon hours talking with some girl that you don't even know when you have someone laying right next to you. Someone you never want to touch or even spend time with. I am sorry that you think the worst of me. I really don't know what to do to change the way you feel about me and I'm starting to think I will never be able to be that one woman that takes your breath away. Thank you for being just like every guy. 

Why would you tell her you love her? Fuck you. Love. You have no fucking idea what that word means. You throw it around like a twelve year old on crack. 

I feel amazing and so loved. My boyfriend would rather spend time with other women than with me. I can't believe I am that horrible in bed and that all the cruel things you've said to me over the years are actually true. You really do think the worst of me. Fat. Ugly. Slob. Immature. Quitter. Annoying. Bitch. Failure. Pathetic piece of shit. I don't know why you're with me. This makes me question your loyalty. I always took pride in knowing that my boyfriend was a loyal, honest man. He was my best friend. 

I wonder what you've done all these years. You were alone for many nights. I swear to GOD Rico, you NEVER want me to catch you with your pants down! >:(

So now I'm in a shitty mood. I refuse to let another man make me cry. This is bullshit but I can't help but wonder if karma has something to do with it. Maybe I deserve this. I don't know if I should send him an email tonight because I wont see him for four days. I deleted that bitch off his friends list. I'm sure he'll notice and change his password. I want to go onto his msn and delete her from there too. My heart is pounding so hard I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

I'm still sick. Not as bad as before but still pretty sick. I got another written warning at work. I'm still 113 pounds of lard. I never want to eat again. I want to starve, suffer in pain, until I collapse and die.