Cough, cough, sniffle, cough

Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Caughing, headache, bodyache, sore throat, stuffy nose, runny nose, nausea, wattery eyes ... the list goes on. I hope I keep getting sicker and I hope it lasts a few weeks.

The only downside to being so sick and in so much pain is that I cannot find the energy to exercise. I haven't had to touch much food so that's good!

I've been limiting myself to one weigh-in per week which is every Thursday. I hope I step on the scale and it reads 110 lbs... then 105... then 100. I can burn the last 5 lbs off with exercise. It would be perfect. However, nothing's perfect in this crazy world.

Rico's mom said I need to gain weight. I think she only said that because none of my pants fit. I can't wait until I'm 95 lbs and can go shopping!! I'm going to throw out all my old FAT clothing. It will be happy times.

Sick.

I love being sick. This is the only time no one begs me to eat. And if they do end up making me some soup, I can take a few spoon fulls and say "I'm not feeling well." The amount of weight I lose is amazing.

The only thing that sucks is when you're not sick enough. Take me for example; I'm sick but not sick enough to miss work which means I'm not sick with the flu, just a cold. I would rather have the flu to be brutally honest.

I'm sad.

I was in an okay mood this morning but now I just want to cry. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. What's wrong with me? :(

For some reason I feel, almost, home sick. I miss my sister and I miss having a family. I miss being a child - when the world was so easy, so happy. I miss having close friends. I just want to laugh so hard I cry and party so hard I puke.

Do you ever ask yourself, "what's the point?"

I'm 20 - something and have already been through so much bad stuff in my life. When does it get better? Does it ever get easier? What is my point in life? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? I don't know. I don't think I will ever know.

I'm a loser. I'm selfish. I'm childish. I'm ugly. I'm fat.

I'm going nowhere in life. I'm a failure. I have nothing.

Summer is coming and I'm still so fat. 113 isn't acceptable, I've lost next-to-nothing in the past few months. Rico probably thinks I'm disgusting. My job sucks and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be happy! Please, can't I just be happy?

When will I fade away.......

So much to talk about!

First, I would like to mention that I love "F**kin' Perfect" by Pink.

Welcome to my silly life...

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.

Miss 'No way, it's all good.'

It didn't slow me down.

Mistaken.
Always second guessing.

Underestimated. 

Look I'm still around. 

 <3

Okay so I know I haven't posted in way too long. I have missed my blog so much. 

I decided to try a different approach at reinventing myself and, silly ol' me, thought I could overcome my eating disorder by pretending it wasn't there. I started a different blog, which I have deleted, to document my journey to happiness. That blog didn't turn out too well. It's hard to write about a perfect, happy life when it's no where near there. It's even harder to block out the negative thoughts when they consume your world.

There are a few things I want to continue to do. I really want to figure out what I love in life and still try to find happiness. I've been learning to bake but I'm not too sure how good it tastes because I never try it. I also want to learn how to cook. I know it might seem weird but I actually enjoy it. And it makes me full just from the smell and seeing all the gross stuff that goes into making it actually makes me sick. I'm going to start sewing soon. I want to make my own clothing this way it will perfectly fit my body. I want to take more pictures and become really good at it. There are so many things I want to do and so much I want to learn.

I've been keeping a positive mind toward life issues. When drama and negative things happen I just walk away. Today, for example, as soon as Rico's mom came home she was bitching and moaning about the stupidest stuff. And yet again, she threatened to kick us out. How did I deal with it? I didn't. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I can't deal with that crap.

I created a list on everything I want to change about myself!! My goal is to have this list completed by 2012. You can view it by clicking HERE.

Rico bought me a promise ring. He loves me but I feel like he just bought it because he knew I wanted it. I actually feel bad that he bought it! Crazy eh. I'm trying to be a better girlfriend but it's so hard.  

A few days ago I mentioned that song "Skin and Bones" by Marianas Trench to this male friend of mine. I explained to him what the song was about and told him that the lead singer used to suffer from bulimia. My friend actually made fun of him!! So of course, I defended him. I said that it's a disease, not a choice. I also said that it's not always about being thin... there are many people who aren't thin who have eating disorders. Of course, he apologized, said he just doesn't understand, and we left it at that. Today he was being so nice and we were talking deep. He asked me how much I weigh... I told him 114 lbs. He shared a song with me so I told him to watch the beginning of this video (click HERE) because the lady doesn't look very satisfied. Later he asked me how tall I am... I told him 5'6". Now, if my friend is smart he would catch on. I don't know why but, for some reason, I want him to know my dirty secret.

Other then that, life is what it is. I'm at 113 lbs (I just weighed myself) and I really have no desire to eat. I'm still aiming for 95 lbs and I'm sad that I'm still in the 110 - 115 region. I'm going to continue blogging. I just ordered a laptop and I can't wait until it gets here! I also want to start exercising again. Like f**k! Summer is coming and I better hurry up!

I had a Red Bull today (212)  -- yup, still addicted.

Reinventing myself.

Cut & Color
If I go blonde...

• Cool blonde with a subtle golden hue or lighten the base to blonde with a single-process color then add highlights to create depth and texture.
• Pay special attention to the hair around the face (lighter highlights makes the face 'pop')
• Don't go too light.

If I don't dye my hair...

• Grow it down to my butt.
• Make it healthy and 100% natural.

Either way...

• Trim and add layers starting at the jaw. Face framing layers in the front.
• A nice side swept bang.

Skin Care

• Drink at least eight glasses of water every day.
• Use proper face wash system for my skin. (face wash, toner and lotion)
• Cleanse face twice a day.
• Do not touch my face during the day!
• Moisturize daily.
• Exfoliate every other day
• Sleep on my back with hair in a pony.
• Use a wrinkle cream.

Fitness

• Exercise for a minimum of 1 hour daily (must burn more calories than consumed)
• Refrain from eating any kind of 'junk' food.
• Drink lots of water.
• Weigh 90 - 95 lbs.
• Get a very toned body. (mini six pack and tight butt/thighs)

Grooming

• Neat and even eyebrows.
• Clean-shaven.
• Manicure and pedicure.
• Smell amazing.
• Shower and shave daily.
• Brush and floss twice a day (use whitening products.)

Makeup

• Focus on making my eyes 'pop'
• Stick to neutral shades during the day / work.
• Play it up at night.
• Foundation MUST match skin tone.
• Conceal all blemishes.
• Use a ton-correcting product.
• Contour and highlight.
• Matte finishing powder.
• NEVER pack it on. 

Clothing/Accessories

• Clothing that flatters my figure.
• Wide range of colors, fabrics and types of clothing (dresses, etc)
• Vintage items.

Lifestyle

• Always doing something fun or worthwhile. 
• Become a domestic goddess.
• Take pictures of everything.
• Spend lots of time outside.
• Care for the animals and walk the dogs daily.
• Be a great girlfriend.
• Try new things!

Personality

• Outgoing.
• Bubbly.
• Happy.
• Smart.
• Interesting.
• Kind.
• Caring.
• Loving.
• Selfless.
• Creative.
• Determined.
• Confident. 

Twenty days without posting?!!

I have so many things to share with you, I cannot wait to get back into my blogging! I'm at work today and have to make this a quick post. I know I shouldn't come on during work but I miss my damn blog! lol. Anyway, I'll be back on tomorrow with a few posts.

Take care <3