January 8, 2011


This definitely isn't where I pictured myself to be a few years ago. Things have been so fucked up since I got kicked out of my dad's when I was 14. I mean, I do finally have a stable home. A loving boyfriend and a secure job. Okay... well I guess I don't like where I live. My boyfriend and I are more friends than anything. We barely ever get intimate and our "quality time" together is us playing on separate computers while watching a movie. A secure job? Who am I kidding! I could get fired at any moment. I don't even like my job. The only reason I stay is because it's easy. I don't get paid too well and I get treated worse. My boyfriend's been unemployed for over two years. We live with his parents. I have no friends and am socially awkward. No clothing that fits. My hairstyle is ugly and so is my skin. I'm fat and lazy. I give in to temptations when I'm not even hungry. I don't spend time with my animals like I should. Heck, I barely even take care of them.

No matter how hard I try things never work out. It's like once my grandma died, years ago, my life has gone downhill. I used to be a good person. Believed in God and always did good. I was thin with nice clothing and my hair was always perfect. My home was clean and I always smelt good. I had so many friends and was always busy. Way too busy to sit on a computer or watch tv & movies. I was happy and energetic. But now look at me. I spend my days off in my pj's, hair a mess and no makeup. I wake up and just sit there all day long... maybe workout on the odd occasion. The days I work I wake up early, am miserable all day, come home and sleep. I have a very dull life.

Somehow we're unable to save money. No money equals no possibility of moving. And the fact that my boyfriend wont even look for a job just boils my blood. I hate how I try so hard at work and in return I get 3 verbal warnings and written up once. I'm not even a bad employee. The things I got warnings for weren't even my fault. Everyone does them. I don't see how they can justify punishing me and not everyone else. I've never done anything to deserve that so now I just sit in the shadows waiting for the day I get fired. It's bound to happen, they don't like me. My father is suing the company for his own reasons so they're taking it out on me. I had high hopes but they came crashing down a long time ago.

I hate how I try so hard to get closer to my boyfriend yet he only does things with me when he feels like it. We don't have sex, maybe once or twice a month, and that's all my fault. I'm too fat, too weak, too ugly, too gross. Too fucked in the head is what it is! I try so hard to prove to him that I would be a great wife. I clean and cook and sew and bake. I always support him.. I'm always on his side. But I guess I burn everything I cook and the deserts are too dry. I gave up on sewing and cleaning too. I'm a quitter - he even said so himself.

I hate how my hair cut looks. The choppiness and bangs bring out my dark circles and chubby cheeks. The length makes my head look big. I hate the color and how it feels. I hate my skin. There's always a pimple somewhere. There are dry patches, wrinkles and it's saggy. I hate my boobs. They are tiny but make me look fat. They aren't a nice shape either. I hate some of my bones. Like how my ribs are fucked and my hips are too. But most of all I fucking HATE all this fat. It's everywhere. My face, neck, arms, stomach, back, hips, butt, thighs, calves. Even my hands are fat.

Why? Why can't I be good enough!? Beautiful, delicate, smart, kind.  I bet people can see behind this fake smile. I bet I disgust them. All of them.