March 14, 2011

I'll Keep Hiding

Going back to my previous post...

I was thinking about how I would react if he asked me if I have an eating disorder.
Yes I starve myself. At times I will make myself vomit. I hate doing it but it's the only thing I can control. I hate myself, my life, and the world. I know you will never understand and you probably think I am a moron. Some stupid bitch obsessed with being thin. It goes much deeper than that though and I wish you could understand. 
Now that I've spent time to think about it, there is no way I could tell him. He knows my father and sister. Not only that but when we were talking that one time he made me realize that he has absolutely no idea what this is all about. He would be the worst person to tell. He would probably try to get me help or say something hurtful and be way too judgmental. It would probably ruin our friendship and that is something I don't want. I am done throwing hints his way. I don't know what I was thinking.

Rico and I just got back from the store. We bought some scratch and wins (didn't win anything - what a surprise lol) I grabbed a penny and started scratching away. Rico's mom looked at me and said "You need to get some meat on your bones" I laughed. "Look how tiny your hands and wrists are!" she said. I smiled at the wonderful compliment. A grin I couldn't hold back. I made a joke of it. Saying that every woman has small hands and wrists. I got her to examine herself then told her that she also needs to keep in mind that I am "small boned".

All of Rico's mom's comments about my weight are starting to bother me. They are wonderful compliments and motivation but I wonder what she thinks. That might be why she has been cooking supper every night. Maybe she's trying to fatten me up. I wonder if she's worried... I don't want her to be.

I started thinking about summer again and how I hope I am 95 lbs in June (or, at the very latest, my birthday in July!) so I can go shopping and look great in a brand new bikini. Thoughts of Rico's parents popped in my head. I have lost 28 lbs since I last wore a bathing suit. I wonder how they will react when they see me in one this year. Maybe I should stop hiding my body. Maybe my weight loss is too noticeable when I go weeks hiding under a baggy hoody then one day walk around in a t-shirt. It's just so damn uncomfortable knowing that people can see my rolls hanging out but, I guess if Rico's mom is making comments, I must be getting smaller.

Time to ditch the over-sized hoodies, winter jackets and baggy pants. Time to wear things that somewhat fit. If they're too big, I can always wear a belt. No more hiding my body! Summer is coming, I have 15 lbs to lose, and I do not need anyone telling me I am "too thin" or that I "need to eat". I don't want anyone to force me to do anything. I am a grown woman and can make my own decisions.

You might wonder why I am never worried about Rico finding out. To be honest, I am. I don't want him to know. The reason why I don't get so paranoid with him is because he makes jokes about me being fat all the time. I don't know if he's ever serious but I assume he is. It's great motivation. I can't recall if I ever told you this but I think he has an eating disorder. I just cant put my finger on it. He is so thin, way thinner than me. I've been watching his food habits and I notice that he goes to the bathroom often after he has eaten. Most of his food is fed to the dogs and the majority of the time he doesn't even eat. He has horrible teeth and has no energy. But again, I'm not too sure. This is something I need to keep watching. I don't think I would ever come out and tell him unless he told me he had an eating disorder first. For now, he motivates me and for that I am very grateful.

On another note, I just found the greatest cigarettes in the world :)