February 24, 2011

So much to talk about!

First, I would like to mention that I love "F**kin' Perfect" by Pink.

Welcome to my silly life...
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good.'
It didn't slow me down.

Always second guessing.
Look I'm still around. 

Okay so I know I haven't posted in way too long. I have missed my blog so much. 

I decided to try a different approach at reinventing myself and, silly ol' me, thought I could overcome my eating disorder by pretending it wasn't there. I started a different blog, which I have deleted, to document my journey to happiness. That blog didn't turn out too well. It's hard to write about a perfect, happy life when it's no where near there. It's even harder to block out the negative thoughts when they consume your world.

There are a few things I want to continue to do. I really want to figure out what I love in life and still try to find happiness. I've been learning to bake but I'm not too sure how good it tastes because I never try it. I also want to learn how to cook. I know it might seem weird but I actually enjoy it. And it makes me full just from the smell and seeing all the gross stuff that goes into making it actually makes me sick. I'm going to start sewing soon. I want to make my own clothing this way it will perfectly fit my body. I want to take more pictures and become really good at it. There are so many things I want to do and so much I want to learn.

I've been keeping a positive mind toward life issues. When drama and negative things happen I just walk away. Today, for example, as soon as Rico's mom came home she was bitching and moaning about the stupidest stuff. And yet again, she threatened to kick us out. How did I deal with it? I didn't. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I can't deal with that crap.

I created a list on everything I want to change about myself!! My goal is to have this list completed by 2012. You can view it by clicking HERE.

Rico bought me a promise ring. He loves me but I feel like he just bought it because he knew I wanted it. I actually feel bad that he bought it! Crazy eh. I'm trying to be a better girlfriend but it's so hard.  

A few days ago I mentioned that song "Skin and Bones" by Marianas Trench to this male friend of mine. I explained to him what the song was about and told him that the lead singer used to suffer from bulimia. My friend actually made fun of him!! So of course, I defended him. I said that it's a disease, not a choice. I also said that it's not always about being thin... there are many people who aren't thin who have eating disorders. Of course, he apologized, said he just doesn't understand, and we left it at that. Today he was being so nice and we were talking deep. He asked me how much I weigh... I told him 114 lbs. He shared a song with me so I told him to watch the beginning of this video (click HERE) because the lady doesn't look very satisfied. Later he asked me how tall I am... I told him 5'6". Now, if my friend is smart he would catch on. I don't know why but, for some reason, I want him to know my dirty secret.

Other then that, life is what it is. I'm at 113 lbs (I just weighed myself) and I really have no desire to eat. I'm still aiming for 95 lbs and I'm sad that I'm still in the 110 - 115 region. I'm going to continue blogging. I just ordered a laptop and I can't wait until it gets here! I also want to start exercising again. Like f**k! Summer is coming and I better hurry up!

I had a Red Bull today (212)  -- yup, still addicted.