March 12, 2011


I haven't felt attractive in a very long time. It goes much deeper than weight issues. I hate who I am and I need to change.

With summer coming, I thought it would be a great idea to lighten my hair. I went out and bought bleach / toner. I have gone strawberry blonde in the past and Rico seemed to be much more attracted to me. He says I seemed happier. I know it's crazy to think a change in my style would make me happier but I guess if that's what he thinks, I'll do it. I wasn't a fan of strawberry blonde though. I think it looked horrible with the pink tones in my skin. I'm hoping to reach a nice honey / golden blonde this time. 

I'm still debating on what I will do with my eyebrows. What do you think? Does it look funny when a girl has black / dark brown eyebrows with blonde hair?

With a mixture of my smoking and occasional purging, my teeth have become quite yellow. They look disgusting. I bought this 1 hour whitening system. It's supposed to last for 10 - 20 applications. Hopefully this product will help! Also, I really need to figure out what to do about my breath. We all know how bad our breath can get from the starvation.

My skin has been clearing up lately. I've been drinking a lot of water to help hydrate my skin and I've stopped drying my face with a towel. I just let it air dry. I exfoliate my face every night with a soft bristle skin brush and steam clean my pores once a week. I also stopped touching my face and I make sure to wash it twice a day. It might seem crazy but I swear the towels were the root of my acne.  

I still want a whole new wardrobe but I refuse to go shopping until I reach 95 lbs. When summer comes, I want a tan. Just something to make me look a little healthier.

Sometimes I wish I had someone I could tell about my eating disorder. I feel so lonely. I have a great texting buddy though. Her and I seem to think a lot alike and I appreciate having someone there for me... even if we've never met in person. 

I have been on a fast for three days now. I'm just switching back and fourth from a water fast to a zero calorie fast. I'm hoping that I will be at 105 lbs by Thursday :)